Eye of the Hurricane

When I met with my Oncologist around 1 week after diagnosis and told him everything I had researched and learned about breast cancer, and all the advice others had shared with me, he chuckled and told me... "That's what I call the Hurricane Effect". He was referring to the onslaught of information (misguided or not) that a cancer patient immediately gets swept into once the paralysis of the news actually starts to dissipate. The last 2 weeks I definitely felt like a house swept up in the winds of a hurricane, ripped away from the solid foundation I had taken for granted, and swirling around in the sky trying to hold onto something to stabilize myself. This week I think I've landed in the eye...

It's a chilling calmness, too quiet which makes me anxious and impatient. But the only thing I can do is wait.  You see, I've made my decision (note to readers, don't forget my disclaimer a couple posts ago). I've picked my network of doctors whom I love, my "Cancer Network", and I've made up my mind to get a bilateral mastectomy. To increase my chance of not having to get radiation, and to never have to worry about going through what I'm dealing with right now ever again, these are all pros that outweigh every single con I can think of. Now that I've made the decision, I need to wait for a surgery date and there's literally nothing I can do but wait.

If you know me, patience is not my strength. Once I make a decision, I throw myself into it head first and I want immediate action. I want this tumor out of my body, and I want it out now. Every single minute of every single day I feel it, it nags at me and taunts me. What's crazy is that I never felt it until my OBGYN pointed it out, but now (especially after the biopsy), it constantly aches. I can't even sleep a full night without waking up in the middle of the night, my mind racing about what steps I need to take to get it removed.

Right now I believe I will get surgery sometime in the first 3 weeks of January. I'm waiting on schedules. I've checked in with the nurses every single day, but finding a time that works for both my Surgeon and my Plastic Surgeon takes time. To top it off it's the Holidays, so understandably everyone has other things on their mind.

So I wait...