Monday starts a new chapter in my life. I'm finally heading back to work after 6 months of focusing on my body and fighting the breast cancer that put my life on hold. To say I'm ready would be a lie. Can anyone say they're ready to go back to "life as it was" after facing such a life changing experience? I see things differently, I react to things differently... I'm a whole different person. My perspective on situations has changed. I like to think I've learned some very hard lessons, the kind of lessons you typically ignore until you are faced with the reality of how precious and short life really is. In addition to a whole new perspective, I'm physically a different person. No, I'm not talking about these new c-cups I have! Physically I don't have the stamina I used to have. I tire easily, I still get spells of nausea and my body feels like I'm an 80 year old woman where every movement causes aches and pains in my joints and muscles. I have no idea how long these side effects will last, but I do know I need to try to slowly acclimate myself back into work at some point, and I put a date on that for June 3rd. Ironically June 3rd not only marks my first day back to work, but it is also the day I was brought into this world many years ago, as well as marks 6 months to the day when I was diagnosed with breast cancer (December 3, 2012). June 3rd will be a very remarkable day this year!
Besides mentally preparing myself for work, I've been slowly pushing my body to take on "challenges" it hasn't done since the surgery. I've grocery shopped, I've gone to the beach, I've put air in my tires, I've cooked dinner for my husband. These may seem like standard activities, but they are things I haven't done for 6 months and are now monumental events for me! I definitely cherish the reality that I am slowly building the strength to do them now.
I also had my first "post-chemo" appointment with my Oncologist yesterday. Starting tomorrow I will begin taking a drug called Tamoxifen, who's job is to block any remaining cancer cells in my body from growing. I'm still perplexed that currently there is no way to confirm whether any cancer cells remain in my body. After a double mastectomy and 4 rounds of chemotherapy you'd think there would be a test to confirm those major procedures did what they were supposed to do. Unfortunately there currently isn't a test, and by taking Tamoxifen I lower my chances of the breast cancer metastasizing by 33%.
So that's where I am. Monday begins my new normal, and with that I plan to "live for today and be positive for the future." - a quote I'm stealing from the amazing breast cancer survivor Betsey Johnson. Feel free to take it as your own, and live up to it. I certainly plan to!
My personal journey through breast cancer.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Thursday, May 9, 2013
The Aftermath
Hurray, I'm officially past the one week mark of my final chemo treatment. The week has been what I'd call "standard", with Friday, Saturday and Sunday being the worst. Those are the days that I literally lay on the couch or bed trying to find a comfortable position. The pain is so difficult to explain, it's like a combination of flu aches with a complete loss of energy and mental interest in anything. These are the days where I just don't want to see, talk or hear from anyone or anything. There is a small bubble of reality in my mind which makes me realize it's the weekend and I should enjoy having my husband home from work all day. But I can't enjoy it, so it makes me sad.
The good news is that I'm past that! This is the week where I slowly start recovering from chemo. Where other side effects become more evident because my body isn't completely shut down. I've written about most of the side effects, but some new ones have started to appear or old ones are more pronounced... probably part of the "cumulative" thing. First are all the side effects that come from premature menopause, with the most apparent one being the hot flashes and night sweats. If you know me, you know I'm always cold. I walk around the office with a blanket, I walk around the house with a vest, I rub my cold feet against my husbands warm legs in bed (a habit he absolutely hates!), I run to the store during a night out with friends to purchase a new sweatshirt (yes, always an excuse to shop!). I'm the cold one, I've always been! I wasn't prepared for such a drastic change in body temperature. These hot flashes are the strangest things, and they appear for no reason and with no warning. I'm experiencing around 10 a day, and it feels like a sudden internal fire has abrupted inside and quickly starts to spread outward towards my skin. I immediately throw off my sweatshirt, pull off my cap or bandana and watch as my body starts to perspire for no apparent reason. If I can make my way to the backyard to cool off in our 50 degree ocean breeze, I immediately do so. My biggest sympathies for all the menopausal women who deal with this. I won't know for at least 6 months whether I will be 100% in menopause. Although being this young and already in menopause breaks my heart, there's a part of me that feels like if I have to do this, let's only do it once!
Another side effect that seems more pronounced is the loss in taste buds and this constant horrible taste in my mouth. Many have described it as a metal taste. But when I hear metal, I think of the taste of blood, which in all honesty would be a much better taste than what it is. It's more like my teeth have a constant grip on a piece of aluminum foil. The hard thing about this is that the chemo in general has made my appetite slim to none. Doctors orders are to eat and drink, with water being a very important part of my healing. When I first started I thought the 64 oz of water per day prescription would be a piece of cake. I've always loved water, I could easily drink gallons a day and never understood people who didn't like water. Guess what? I hate water now. Water just amplifies the aluminum taste in my mouth. So trying to drink 64 oz per day is like torture. I've started cheating with Vitamin Waters and Orange Pellegrinos... those seem to go down a little easier. But in general, my body just doesn't want to eat or drink right now. The food it does want is definitely a complete 180 from my previous diet. I crave meat! And not filets, but the good juicy tasty sirloin cuts, tri-tips or hamburgers. Plus bring on anything super salty or super sweet. Kraft mac & cheese is divine, pizza is heaven and strawberries with doses of sugar is delectable. Thankfully my doctor prioritizes eating over anything, even if it means putting processed and non-organic foods into my system. The goal now is to get through chemo with energy (food = energy), I can focus on a healthier diet once I get out of the deep end.
What else? My nails have started to get really sensitive and are slowly turning purple. I don't think I'm going to lose them, although I've been watching them closely. And I'm still experiencing the rashes that started last time, so I've been popping Benadryl's each night to keep the itchiness under control.
If all goes well, I'll be able to slowly start back to my normal routine at the end of the month/top of June. Although my Doctor feels it's a little pre-mature, he understands I've put my life on hold for 6 months and I need to make sure the things that have taken a back seat are attended to. The one thing he's concerned with is what he calls a very typical "PTSD" that cancer patients often battle with once the chemo is complete. It's definitely something that's been on my mind since rounding chemo 3, and I'm scared for it, but as with everything I've dealt with... there's nothing to do but face it and deal with it when it happens.
So that's my latest update. If the last 2 chemos are similar to this one, I'll hit a fatigue wall today or tomorrow which I believe is a side effect of the steroids completely leaving my body. But my appetite should start to pick up, and hopefully my taste buds will eventually come back to normal. Or perhaps they will completely change and one day I'll enjoy things I used to hate like blue cheese, tomatoes and cilantro!
Thank you for all the congratulatory notes. Your love continues to push me forward. It's still hard for me to believe I've battled breast cancer, 2 surgeries and chemotherapy... but you'd be amazed at what your mind and body can accomplish when put to the test. Treat it right, pat yourself on the back for everything it has given you to date, and make sure to listen to it when it's trying to tell you something. After all it's given you, it deserves to be heard!
The good news is that I'm past that! This is the week where I slowly start recovering from chemo. Where other side effects become more evident because my body isn't completely shut down. I've written about most of the side effects, but some new ones have started to appear or old ones are more pronounced... probably part of the "cumulative" thing. First are all the side effects that come from premature menopause, with the most apparent one being the hot flashes and night sweats. If you know me, you know I'm always cold. I walk around the office with a blanket, I walk around the house with a vest, I rub my cold feet against my husbands warm legs in bed (a habit he absolutely hates!), I run to the store during a night out with friends to purchase a new sweatshirt (yes, always an excuse to shop!). I'm the cold one, I've always been! I wasn't prepared for such a drastic change in body temperature. These hot flashes are the strangest things, and they appear for no reason and with no warning. I'm experiencing around 10 a day, and it feels like a sudden internal fire has abrupted inside and quickly starts to spread outward towards my skin. I immediately throw off my sweatshirt, pull off my cap or bandana and watch as my body starts to perspire for no apparent reason. If I can make my way to the backyard to cool off in our 50 degree ocean breeze, I immediately do so. My biggest sympathies for all the menopausal women who deal with this. I won't know for at least 6 months whether I will be 100% in menopause. Although being this young and already in menopause breaks my heart, there's a part of me that feels like if I have to do this, let's only do it once!
Another side effect that seems more pronounced is the loss in taste buds and this constant horrible taste in my mouth. Many have described it as a metal taste. But when I hear metal, I think of the taste of blood, which in all honesty would be a much better taste than what it is. It's more like my teeth have a constant grip on a piece of aluminum foil. The hard thing about this is that the chemo in general has made my appetite slim to none. Doctors orders are to eat and drink, with water being a very important part of my healing. When I first started I thought the 64 oz of water per day prescription would be a piece of cake. I've always loved water, I could easily drink gallons a day and never understood people who didn't like water. Guess what? I hate water now. Water just amplifies the aluminum taste in my mouth. So trying to drink 64 oz per day is like torture. I've started cheating with Vitamin Waters and Orange Pellegrinos... those seem to go down a little easier. But in general, my body just doesn't want to eat or drink right now. The food it does want is definitely a complete 180 from my previous diet. I crave meat! And not filets, but the good juicy tasty sirloin cuts, tri-tips or hamburgers. Plus bring on anything super salty or super sweet. Kraft mac & cheese is divine, pizza is heaven and strawberries with doses of sugar is delectable. Thankfully my doctor prioritizes eating over anything, even if it means putting processed and non-organic foods into my system. The goal now is to get through chemo with energy (food = energy), I can focus on a healthier diet once I get out of the deep end.
What else? My nails have started to get really sensitive and are slowly turning purple. I don't think I'm going to lose them, although I've been watching them closely. And I'm still experiencing the rashes that started last time, so I've been popping Benadryl's each night to keep the itchiness under control.
If all goes well, I'll be able to slowly start back to my normal routine at the end of the month/top of June. Although my Doctor feels it's a little pre-mature, he understands I've put my life on hold for 6 months and I need to make sure the things that have taken a back seat are attended to. The one thing he's concerned with is what he calls a very typical "PTSD" that cancer patients often battle with once the chemo is complete. It's definitely something that's been on my mind since rounding chemo 3, and I'm scared for it, but as with everything I've dealt with... there's nothing to do but face it and deal with it when it happens.
So that's my latest update. If the last 2 chemos are similar to this one, I'll hit a fatigue wall today or tomorrow which I believe is a side effect of the steroids completely leaving my body. But my appetite should start to pick up, and hopefully my taste buds will eventually come back to normal. Or perhaps they will completely change and one day I'll enjoy things I used to hate like blue cheese, tomatoes and cilantro!
Thank you for all the congratulatory notes. Your love continues to push me forward. It's still hard for me to believe I've battled breast cancer, 2 surgeries and chemotherapy... but you'd be amazed at what your mind and body can accomplish when put to the test. Treat it right, pat yourself on the back for everything it has given you to date, and make sure to listen to it when it's trying to tell you something. After all it's given you, it deserves to be heard!
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Neulasta No More!
Rejoice, today is my very last Neulasta shot! I'm feeling decent after chemo yesterday. Standard immediate side effects... no taste buds, upset stomach, overall fatigue. I've also oddly lost some hearing. If my lessons from previous rounds holds true, everything will hit me more drastically in a few hours.
After today I won't have to make this drive for another 4 weeks. When I do come back for my post chemo follow-up, I will learn some tips on how to stay healthy to avoid recurrence. I'll also get my next phase of treatment which is a pill called Tamoxifen. Tamoxifen is a hormone receptor who's job is to block any rogue cancer cells from growing in the chance Chemo didn't kill all of them. I'll be on this for 10 years unless new research comes out which can cure this disease all together.
To celebrate my last Neulasta, I've pulled out my new purple wig. I haven't named her yet, I'm open to suggestions!
Enjoy the beautiful weather today for those in California. It's gorgeous outside, don't forget to smell those beautiful roses!
After today I won't have to make this drive for another 4 weeks. When I do come back for my post chemo follow-up, I will learn some tips on how to stay healthy to avoid recurrence. I'll also get my next phase of treatment which is a pill called Tamoxifen. Tamoxifen is a hormone receptor who's job is to block any rogue cancer cells from growing in the chance Chemo didn't kill all of them. I'll be on this for 10 years unless new research comes out which can cure this disease all together.
To celebrate my last Neulasta, I've pulled out my new purple wig. I haven't named her yet, I'm open to suggestions!
Enjoy the beautiful weather today for those in California. It's gorgeous outside, don't forget to smell those beautiful roses!
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Hurray! Chemo is officially complete!
To celebrate my freedom I took off the wig. Ok, still hiding behind a bandana, but baby steps! :) Cheers to another major milestone completed.
Chemo 4: Last One! May 1, 2013
Counting my blessings on this last chemo! Third try with the IV finally worked. My veins are going to celebrate after today. They are not happy with me, especially when the needle broke on the nurse's second try!
I'm rockin' out with the Roxy wig today. And I'm posting the best chemo accessory ever... a fingerless glove! Thanks to my chemo buddy Molly for the tip. My hands get super cold during the infusion. This is a must-get if you are going through chemo without a port.
I'm rockin' out with the Roxy wig today. And I'm posting the best chemo accessory ever... a fingerless glove! Thanks to my chemo buddy Molly for the tip. My hands get super cold during the infusion. This is a must-get if you are going through chemo without a port.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Nearing The Home Stretch!
I can see it, my last chemo is right around the corner! Wednesday May 1st will mark my final (knock on wood) chemo infusion. I am elated, excited, anxious and scared all at the same time.
Part of me can't believe how fast this has gone by. It feels like only yesterday when I went to Torrance Memorial and heard the results of my pathology report. I can still feel the sinking of my heart and still see the look on Jon's eyes as we both stared in disbelief, listening to words we didn't understand like "invasive ductal carcinoma" and "Ki-67 levels". I remember how much I prayed back then to not have to undergo chemo. There were so many unanswered questions back in December, and so much to learn about this disease. I remember burying myself in books, internet forums, doctors appointments - trying to grasp and take control of something I knew I had very little control of.
The other part of me feels like I've been to hell and back since December. I won't ever forget how hard it was to lose complete control of myself - to be 100% dependent on others. There was a time when I had to get spoon fed by my Mom for the first time since I was a baby. A time when I lay in bed literally 24-hours a day, not even able to shower on my own. I still can't believe I was so incapacitated that I'd have to sit on a stool and have Jon sponge me down with hot water and soap. I remember finding out I had to go through chemo, worrying about losing my hair and thinking that perhaps there was a chance I wouldn't lose it. I remember laying in bed wondering why my skin wasn't healing from my first surgery, then finding out that I had to undergo a second surgery to remove the nipples I so desperately wanted to keep. I remember going to chemo for the very first time, scared out of my mind for the unknown and meeting a wonderful woman who helped to distract and ease my mind from the medicine pumping through my IV. So although this experience has gone by fast, it also feels like it's been a decade. And here I am, 3 days away from my last infusion!
So what's next? First (and priority #1 for me), getting through the last chemo. My body has reacted differently each time, so I'm focused on keeping my body and mind strong to make it through. After that, I'm honestly not quite sure. You'd think with as much as they've researched this disease there would be a test where they could confirm I have no rogue cancer cells in my body, that the chemo did it's job and I'm cancer free. Unfortunately there's no such thing. I have to trust in my doctors and the treatment I underwent, to listen to my body if something doesn't seem to be right, and to prioritize my health and get check-ups when needed. I'm thankful I will have an even more watchful eye on me now, that tests and ailments will be scrutinized even more closely to ensure nothing has come back. I'll also be able to dedicate my focus on the cosmetic part of my treatment. My skin continues to be rather thin, so my Plastic Surgeon is keeping a watchful eye on it to ensure the skin doesn't die. Assuming the healing goes well, I'm scheduled for a third surgery to get implants in August. After that I'll get one more surgery where she'll make the nipples, and the very last thing will be some "tatooing" where they add the color into the nipples.
So although I still have some hurdles ahead of me, I can see the light and it's glorifying and terrifying at the same time! I'm slowly starting to mentally prepare myself for the real world, to step outside the comfort of this world I've created over the last 6 months. I find myself telling myself to remember the lessons I've learned from this, to never forget how precious this life is. To remember how much it meant to me when complete strangers lent a selfless hand to me, to remember how strong it made me when friends and family sent a simple "get well" card to help me through the day, to remember how blessed I am to have an amazing husband, dogs, family, friends, career, house... everything that makes me so happy each and every day.
Thank YOU for reading my blog. For keeping me strong, for keeping me honest and for helping me share my story. This journey won't ever be over, but one of the hardest parts is about to be!
Part of me can't believe how fast this has gone by. It feels like only yesterday when I went to Torrance Memorial and heard the results of my pathology report. I can still feel the sinking of my heart and still see the look on Jon's eyes as we both stared in disbelief, listening to words we didn't understand like "invasive ductal carcinoma" and "Ki-67 levels". I remember how much I prayed back then to not have to undergo chemo. There were so many unanswered questions back in December, and so much to learn about this disease. I remember burying myself in books, internet forums, doctors appointments - trying to grasp and take control of something I knew I had very little control of.
The other part of me feels like I've been to hell and back since December. I won't ever forget how hard it was to lose complete control of myself - to be 100% dependent on others. There was a time when I had to get spoon fed by my Mom for the first time since I was a baby. A time when I lay in bed literally 24-hours a day, not even able to shower on my own. I still can't believe I was so incapacitated that I'd have to sit on a stool and have Jon sponge me down with hot water and soap. I remember finding out I had to go through chemo, worrying about losing my hair and thinking that perhaps there was a chance I wouldn't lose it. I remember laying in bed wondering why my skin wasn't healing from my first surgery, then finding out that I had to undergo a second surgery to remove the nipples I so desperately wanted to keep. I remember going to chemo for the very first time, scared out of my mind for the unknown and meeting a wonderful woman who helped to distract and ease my mind from the medicine pumping through my IV. So although this experience has gone by fast, it also feels like it's been a decade. And here I am, 3 days away from my last infusion!
So what's next? First (and priority #1 for me), getting through the last chemo. My body has reacted differently each time, so I'm focused on keeping my body and mind strong to make it through. After that, I'm honestly not quite sure. You'd think with as much as they've researched this disease there would be a test where they could confirm I have no rogue cancer cells in my body, that the chemo did it's job and I'm cancer free. Unfortunately there's no such thing. I have to trust in my doctors and the treatment I underwent, to listen to my body if something doesn't seem to be right, and to prioritize my health and get check-ups when needed. I'm thankful I will have an even more watchful eye on me now, that tests and ailments will be scrutinized even more closely to ensure nothing has come back. I'll also be able to dedicate my focus on the cosmetic part of my treatment. My skin continues to be rather thin, so my Plastic Surgeon is keeping a watchful eye on it to ensure the skin doesn't die. Assuming the healing goes well, I'm scheduled for a third surgery to get implants in August. After that I'll get one more surgery where she'll make the nipples, and the very last thing will be some "tatooing" where they add the color into the nipples.
So although I still have some hurdles ahead of me, I can see the light and it's glorifying and terrifying at the same time! I'm slowly starting to mentally prepare myself for the real world, to step outside the comfort of this world I've created over the last 6 months. I find myself telling myself to remember the lessons I've learned from this, to never forget how precious this life is. To remember how much it meant to me when complete strangers lent a selfless hand to me, to remember how strong it made me when friends and family sent a simple "get well" card to help me through the day, to remember how blessed I am to have an amazing husband, dogs, family, friends, career, house... everything that makes me so happy each and every day.
Thank YOU for reading my blog. For keeping me strong, for keeping me honest and for helping me share my story. This journey won't ever be over, but one of the hardest parts is about to be!
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
It's all cumulative
I'm beginning to better understand the meaning of "cumulative effects" first hand. This third round of chemo side effects has not only been hard, it's been different. I guess the one thing you hope when undergoing your first chemo is to learn how your body reacts so you can prepare your mind and body for the next round. Perhaps the hardest part of my treatments is that I seem to have different side effects every time.
This round has been harder than the last. The fatigue and body aches are similar, but unfortunately they were accompanied by intense heart burn and nausea. This weekend was a blur... another one of those weekends where I don't leave the comfort of my king bed and down comforter. The heart burn was so intense and it flared up every 30 seconds. I think that contributed to my overall queasiness, which of course lead to other unfortunate things. When I finally made it out of bed on Sunday night I realized I had a rash all over my body. Apparently I'm having an allergic reaction to the Taxotere (one of the drugs I get during the infusion). Being a rather allergy prone person (nuts, legumes, crustaceans and more), I'm staying calm and popping Benedryl's when it becomes unbearable. Rashes and itchiness are certainly annoying, but I think I've built a certain tolerance to allergy attacks given my history. Next time my doctor may try to increase the steroid dosage to address the allergies, although the steroids come with their own list of side effects. It's crazy to realize how many drugs you layer on top of each other to fight side effects of other drugs. It's like a constant battle of which side effect is worse and what are you willing to tolerate?
All that said, I can certainly see through the fog to appreciate that I'm almost done with the infusions. And I am so grateful that I am able to rest and focus on feeling better while the earth continues to revolve, movies continue to get marketed and the south bay sunshine teases me into looking forward to a bikini filled summer with my new boobs!
I close this post with a outpouring of love to those in Boston who have been affected by the bombings yesterday. It saddens me so much to see something like this, and it puts into perspective the importance of living each day to it's fullest and appreciating the things we have. Life's short, let's not take for granted the moments we have on this earth.
Here's a video that always puts a smile on my face, hopefully it will put one on yours! I find watching it before my chemo infusions always helps me feel a little "stronger"!
Here's a video that always puts a smile on my face, hopefully it will put one on yours! I find watching it before my chemo infusions always helps me feel a little "stronger"!
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