My body seems to be reacting decently to the Tamoxifen, besides perhaps a heightening of the current chemo side effects of joint and muscle aches, fatigue, hot flashes and night sweats. One of the hardest parts of this is the lack of a full night of uninterrupted sleep. The hot flashes usually wake me up several times in the middle of the night... quite frustrating for someone who has always had a hard time falling asleep. I'm not sure how long I'm going to have to deal with this, but a lack of sleep combined with fatigue is a dangerous combination for me!
Work has been flexible with my schedule which has been a blessing. I've been trying to get in after rush hour and leave before rush hour. The only problem is that with Los Angeles traffic, there doesn't seem to be a "non-rush hour" time of day. My commute is a minimum of 1 hour each way, and sitting in my car for 2 hours a day is really tiring for me. It doesn't seem to matter when I leave, it's still an endless row of red lights. I have been able to work from home a couple days which has helped break up the week.
I do have a better understanding of why my Doctor was hesitant for me to start work. Stress causes a major physical and mental strain on the body, and I'm much more conscious of it now. Although I've limited my hours, I still require a nap when I come home. On top of it, I'm struggling to find my balance, to teach myself how to take it slow. My instincts are to work at 200 mph, I'm trying to unlearn something that is almost part of my DNA. I also realize that with a wig on, I look like my old self. Even I forget that only a few short months ago I underwent 2 surgeries, and a few weeks ago I was at City of Hope getting 5 hours of drugs pumped into my blood stream. The drugs were so strong they killed my hair cells and burned my veins to the point that they no longer function. I can't expect myself to hop back to normal after everything I've been through, but sometimes appearances can be deceiving.
It's so easy to judge a book by its cover, but this journey has taught me that you can never assume to know what's truly behind a face and a body - even my own!
