Nearing The Home Stretch!

I can see it, my last chemo is right around the corner! Wednesday May 1st will mark my final (knock on wood) chemo infusion. I am elated, excited, anxious and scared all at the same time.

Part of me can't believe how fast this has gone by. It feels like only yesterday when I went to Torrance Memorial and heard the results of my pathology report. I can still feel the sinking of my heart and still see the look on Jon's eyes as we both stared in disbelief, listening to words we didn't understand like "invasive ductal carcinoma" and "Ki-67 levels". I remember how much I prayed back then to not have to undergo chemo. There were so many unanswered questions back in December, and so much to learn about this disease. I remember burying myself in books, internet forums, doctors appointments - trying to grasp and take control of something I knew I had very little control of.

The other part of me feels like I've been to hell and back since December. I won't ever forget how hard it was to lose complete control of myself - to be 100% dependent on others. There was a time when I had to get spoon fed by my Mom for the first time since I was a baby. A time when I lay in bed literally 24-hours a day, not even able to shower on my own. I still can't believe I was so incapacitated that I'd have to sit on a stool and have Jon sponge me down with hot water and soap. I remember finding out I had to go through chemo, worrying about losing my hair and thinking that perhaps there was a chance I wouldn't lose it. I remember laying in bed wondering why my skin wasn't healing from my first surgery, then finding out that I had to undergo a second surgery to remove the nipples I so desperately wanted to keep. I remember going to chemo for the very first time, scared out of my mind for the unknown and meeting a wonderful woman who helped to distract and ease my mind from the medicine pumping through my IV. So although this experience has gone by fast, it also feels like it's been a decade. And here I am, 3 days away from my last infusion!

So what's next? First (and priority #1 for me), getting through the last chemo. My body has reacted differently each time, so I'm focused on keeping my body and mind strong to make it through. After that, I'm honestly not quite sure. You'd think with as much as they've researched this disease there would be a test where they could confirm I have no rogue cancer cells in my body, that the chemo did it's job and I'm cancer free. Unfortunately there's no such thing. I have to trust in my doctors and the treatment I underwent, to listen to my body if something doesn't seem to be right, and to prioritize my health and get check-ups when needed. I'm thankful I will have an even more watchful eye on me now, that tests and ailments will be scrutinized even more closely to ensure nothing has come back. I'll also be able to dedicate my focus on the cosmetic part of my treatment. My skin continues to be rather thin, so my Plastic Surgeon is keeping a watchful eye on it to ensure the skin doesn't die. Assuming the healing goes well, I'm scheduled for a third surgery to get implants in August. After that I'll get one more surgery where she'll make the nipples, and the very last thing will be some "tatooing" where they add the color into the nipples.

So although I still have some hurdles ahead of me, I can see the light and it's glorifying and terrifying at the same time! I'm slowly starting to mentally prepare myself for the real world, to step outside the comfort of this world I've created over the last 6 months. I find myself telling myself to remember the lessons I've learned from this, to never forget how precious this life is. To remember how much it meant to me when complete strangers lent a selfless hand to me, to remember how strong it made me when friends and family sent a simple "get well" card to help me through the day, to remember how blessed I am to have an amazing husband, dogs, family, friends, career, house... everything that makes me so happy each and every day.

Thank YOU for reading my blog. For keeping me strong, for keeping me honest and for helping me share my story. This journey won't ever be over, but one of the hardest parts is about to be!

It's all cumulative

I'm beginning to better understand the meaning of "cumulative effects" first hand. This third round of chemo side effects has not only been hard, it's been different. I guess the one thing you hope when undergoing your first chemo is to learn how your body reacts so you can prepare your mind and body for the next round. Perhaps the hardest part of my treatments is that I seem to have different side effects every time.

This round has been harder than the last. The fatigue and body aches are similar, but unfortunately they were accompanied by intense heart burn and nausea. This weekend was a blur... another one of those weekends where I don't leave the comfort of my king bed and down comforter. The heart burn was so intense and it flared up every 30 seconds. I think that contributed to my overall queasiness, which of course lead to other unfortunate things. When I finally made it out of bed on Sunday night I realized I had a rash all over my body. Apparently I'm having an allergic reaction to the Taxotere (one of the drugs I get during the infusion). Being a rather allergy prone person (nuts, legumes, crustaceans and more), I'm staying calm and popping Benedryl's when it becomes unbearable. Rashes and itchiness are certainly annoying, but I think I've built a certain tolerance to allergy attacks given my history. Next time my doctor may try to increase the steroid dosage to address the allergies, although the steroids come with their own list of side effects. It's crazy to realize how many drugs you layer on top of each other to fight side effects of other drugs. It's like a constant battle of which side effect is worse and what are you willing to tolerate?

All that said, I can certainly see through the fog to appreciate that I'm almost done with the infusions. And I am so grateful that I am able to rest and focus on feeling better while the earth continues to revolve, movies continue to get marketed and the south bay sunshine teases me into looking forward to a bikini filled summer with my new boobs!

I close this post with a outpouring of love to those in Boston who have been affected by the bombings yesterday. It saddens me so much to see something like this, and it puts into perspective the importance of living each day to it's fullest and appreciating the things we have. Life's short, let's not take for granted the moments we have on this earth.

Here's a video that always puts a smile on my face, hopefully it will put one on yours! I find watching it before my chemo infusions always helps me feel a little "stronger"!

Chemo Birthday All-In-One

Today marks my third chemo infusion. But more importantly today also marks the wonderful day that my beautiful soulmate was brought into this world. Happy happy birthday Jon. I love you more each and every day and I'm so very blessed we found each other. You have been my rock, my shoulder, my nurse, my inspiration, my cook, my playmate, my best friend...my everything. Who knew those vows we made 10 years ago "for better or worse" would really get tested to the extreme. You have certainly proven to me that you took those vows to heart and I can't thank you enough for that. I only hope you feel my gratitude and love for you in your heart. Exactly one year ago from today on your birthday we had the crazy experience of spending your birthday in the hospital as well. You had appendicitis and required an emergency appendectomy. I can only imagine the stress I've put on you these past 6 months based on how worried I felt one year ago. Here's a birthday wish to no more birthdays spent in hospitals. It's one tradition I don't want to keep!

For the rest of you, I'm hanging in there. The fatigue from this past round of chemo definitely seemed to last longer. Not until this weekend did I feel like I had around 75% of my energy back. And as many doctors and chemo patients share, once you start feeling better you go back to chemo to start the cycle again. Today will mark that new cycle for me. I'm also in a new hospital. My oncologist moved to City of Hope in Duarte. So we went from a 10 minute drive to a hour and a half drive. I was rather upset when I learned the news, but I love my Oncologist so much I felt he was worth the commute. Plus City of Hope is such a prestigious hospital for cancer, they will likely be on top of the latest research and treatments for me. Our day started at 7:15 am when we left to get here for 8:50 labs and a 10 am doctor appointment. We're relaxing in a little atrium until my 1:30 infusion. Tomorrow we'll have to come back for my hydration drip and Neulasta shot.

Other than that, I got 90 more cc's of saline in my tissue expanders. I think I've hit the size I'll likely go with permanently. My third surgery for implants is tentatively scheduled for the top of June, although my Oncologist is asking to push it back a little to give my body a rest from the chemo.

How else am I doing? Oddly I'm starting to get a bit anxious and stressed about being done. I know that's the strangest thing to say, but all I can say is that this experience has changed me so much and I know I will never be done with it. I will always be more paranoid about it coming back, I will always be second guessing little aches, bumps, bruises and pains. I also hear (and appreciate) all the enthusiasm from my family and friends (and myself!) that I'm almost done. But while it makes me happy, it also scares me because I worry people will expect me to be "back to normal" and I honestly don't know what my normal will be anymore. I hear stories of women who suffer through depression after chemo which doesn't surprise me the closer I get. It's like I've been so focused on the next step of killing the cancer, the thought of no longer having weekly doc appointments and check-ups, which keeps me tactically on top of fighting this disease, is a new and scary feeling for me. I also know that the chemo side effects will last up to years, perhaps life, and I need to make sure I remember that and don't get frustrated with myself.

Enough of emotional turmoil. For today I celebrate my wonderful husband as well as my third treatment (and second to last) chemo.

Love and health to all of you.

Here's a pic of Jon and I (sporting a long brown wig!)