After the last surgery, I basically had to start back at square 1 for my "fills". I was previously at a good solid C-cup, but during the surgery they had to completely remove my old expanders and replace them with new ones. I woke up after surgery at the start of the alphabet again... "A" may have been what I strived for in grades, but it was definitely a letter I was looking forward to leaving behind me as a "silver lining" from this whole experience! No luck, I had to start over. So over the past few weeks I've been visiting my Plastic Surgeon, slowly progressing up the alphabet of bra sizes again. But this time it's so different. The pain is unbearable. This past Wednesday I went in for one of my fills, and I asked my nurse if it was normal to feel this pain. She told me that everyone was different... that some people don't feel it at all, whereas others say it's worse than surgery. What's so funny is that during my first round of fills at the top of this year, they didn't bother me at all. I remember hearing stories that fills could be painful, but besides a little heaviness in my lungs and chest, the pain was close to a 1-3 (if you've ever been to the hospital, you know this pain scale well... with 10 being intolerable). This time around, it's a whole different ball game. My theory is that my nerves are finally coming back (this is the good news), that after my January surgery where they removed basically everything in my chest, including nerves and some muscle, that my body has been hard at work re-building those nerves and muscles. Wonderful, right? Well... I guess unless you need to get fills when you have some feeling up there! All I can say is the pain is probably one of the worst I can remember experiencing, at least for an extended period of time (mind you, I was so drugged out after the surgeries... perhaps I was in this much pain but my mind erased it!). Jon asked me if it was a throbbing. I told him to imagine the absolute worst throbbing he could think of, then take out the part of the throbbing where the pain subsides every second or so. That's how I felt, an ongoing continuous pain at the peak of the throb, so deep and intense that it literally paralyzed me. The pain is focused to just my chest, but it's literally the entire depth of that chest area. I felt like if I could simply cut my body below my chest and above my chest and sow myself back together, I could remove the pain all together. An odd thought, but believe me, the mind races everywhere when you are in pain. I can honestly say if I was in the hospital, I'd be telling them I'm at a 9. In fact I was cursing that I only had Valliums and Norcos to "help" with the pain, because they did very little to numb it and I wished I had an IV pumping something stronger into my system so I could at least tolerate it. The only word I feel I can use to describe it is debilitating. It's such a debilitating pain, you can't do anything. Breathing, laughing, moving... it all makes me scream and want to cry.
The good news is that the first 24 hours are by far the worst. Today I woke up and feel 25% better. I'm actually sitting up, typing... something I couldn't do yesterday. The pain no longer makes me feel like I'm going to lose my breakfast from sheer pain (a scary thought I was having yesterday since the action of that requires so many chest muscles that I was doing everything possible to make sure I didn't get sick). Hopefully tomorrow I'll feel even better, and the worst will be behind me. After this, I'm crossing my fingers I only have one fill left. You see, they like to go a little larger than the actual size in order to stretch the skin and muscle in preparation for the implants.
So you ask... what does a fill require? It's actually a very odd experience. The doctor gives me a shot on each breast to first numb the area. After the numbing works, she then proceeds to stick a needle in each side and injects saline into the expander. As she's doing this, I feel my breast getting larger, I feel the skin getting tighter, I feel the muscle getting stretched and I feel my lungs getting pushed on. Then voila, I'm a little larger than I was 15 minutes prior.
That's where I am today. Sore as hell, but better than 24 hours ago.
Onto a better topic. Jon and I recently returned from a very romantic trip to St. John. Jon had booked this trip back in February, when we realized we needed something good to look forward to given everything we were going to face in the upcoming months. St. John was amazing. We relaxed, went to some of the most gorgeous beaches I've ever seen, shopped, watched the sunset, and enjoyed each other and our life. Each night I made Jon walk with me down to the secret hammocks so I could swing on them and watch the night stars. There's something about me and hammocks... they give me a sense of peace and tranquility I can't find elsewhere. Our vacation was so very needed, perhaps a little break from the emotional roller coaster of this year. Don't cheat yourself out of one, they are so important for your mental health and I'm sure any doctor would prescribe one at least once a year. It reminds me of a quote I recently read from my Surgeon Kristi Funk (who was recently on the cover of LA Magazine as one of the 10 Game Changers who have transformed the future of Women's Health - of which I am so incredibly proud of!). She says... "...what is life but a long series of moments? So the more moments that are powerful or joyful, the more impactful and wonderful your life." Remember this and subscribe to it... it's those moments that count, not necessarily the ones you are stressing about right now.
P.S. A very special prayer goes out to my college friend who was around 1 year ahead of me in this horrible breast cancer battle and has been dealing with some complications. You know who you are, and I am thinking and praying for you every second of the day. Much love.
