Monday starts a new chapter in my life. I'm finally heading back to work after 6 months of focusing on my body and fighting the breast cancer that put my life on hold. To say I'm ready would be a lie. Can anyone say they're ready to go back to "life as it was" after facing such a life changing experience? I see things differently, I react to things differently... I'm a whole different person. My perspective on situations has changed. I like to think I've learned some very hard lessons, the kind of lessons you typically ignore until you are faced with the reality of how precious and short life really is. In addition to a whole new perspective, I'm physically a different person. No, I'm not talking about these new c-cups I have! Physically I don't have the stamina I used to have. I tire easily, I still get spells of nausea and my body feels like I'm an 80 year old woman where every movement causes aches and pains in my joints and muscles. I have no idea how long these side effects will last, but I do know I need to try to slowly acclimate myself back into work at some point, and I put a date on that for June 3rd. Ironically June 3rd not only marks my first day back to work, but it is also the day I was brought into this world many years ago, as well as marks 6 months to the day when I was diagnosed with breast cancer (December 3, 2012). June 3rd will be a very remarkable day this year!
Besides mentally preparing myself for work, I've been slowly pushing my body to take on "challenges" it hasn't done since the surgery. I've grocery shopped, I've gone to the beach, I've put air in my tires, I've cooked dinner for my husband. These may seem like standard activities, but they are things I haven't done for 6 months and are now monumental events for me! I definitely cherish the reality that I am slowly building the strength to do them now.
I also had my first "post-chemo" appointment with my Oncologist yesterday. Starting tomorrow I will begin taking a drug called Tamoxifen, who's job is to block any remaining cancer cells in my body from growing. I'm still perplexed that currently there is no way to confirm whether any cancer cells remain in my body. After a double mastectomy and 4 rounds of chemotherapy you'd think there would be a test to confirm those major procedures did what they were supposed to do. Unfortunately there currently isn't a test, and by taking Tamoxifen I lower my chances of the breast cancer metastasizing by 33%.
So that's where I am. Monday begins my new normal, and with that I plan to "live for today and be positive for the future." - a quote I'm stealing from the amazing breast cancer survivor Betsey Johnson. Feel free to take it as your own, and live up to it. I certainly plan to!
My personal journey through breast cancer.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Thursday, May 9, 2013
The Aftermath
Hurray, I'm officially past the one week mark of my final chemo treatment. The week has been what I'd call "standard", with Friday, Saturday and Sunday being the worst. Those are the days that I literally lay on the couch or bed trying to find a comfortable position. The pain is so difficult to explain, it's like a combination of flu aches with a complete loss of energy and mental interest in anything. These are the days where I just don't want to see, talk or hear from anyone or anything. There is a small bubble of reality in my mind which makes me realize it's the weekend and I should enjoy having my husband home from work all day. But I can't enjoy it, so it makes me sad.
The good news is that I'm past that! This is the week where I slowly start recovering from chemo. Where other side effects become more evident because my body isn't completely shut down. I've written about most of the side effects, but some new ones have started to appear or old ones are more pronounced... probably part of the "cumulative" thing. First are all the side effects that come from premature menopause, with the most apparent one being the hot flashes and night sweats. If you know me, you know I'm always cold. I walk around the office with a blanket, I walk around the house with a vest, I rub my cold feet against my husbands warm legs in bed (a habit he absolutely hates!), I run to the store during a night out with friends to purchase a new sweatshirt (yes, always an excuse to shop!). I'm the cold one, I've always been! I wasn't prepared for such a drastic change in body temperature. These hot flashes are the strangest things, and they appear for no reason and with no warning. I'm experiencing around 10 a day, and it feels like a sudden internal fire has abrupted inside and quickly starts to spread outward towards my skin. I immediately throw off my sweatshirt, pull off my cap or bandana and watch as my body starts to perspire for no apparent reason. If I can make my way to the backyard to cool off in our 50 degree ocean breeze, I immediately do so. My biggest sympathies for all the menopausal women who deal with this. I won't know for at least 6 months whether I will be 100% in menopause. Although being this young and already in menopause breaks my heart, there's a part of me that feels like if I have to do this, let's only do it once!
Another side effect that seems more pronounced is the loss in taste buds and this constant horrible taste in my mouth. Many have described it as a metal taste. But when I hear metal, I think of the taste of blood, which in all honesty would be a much better taste than what it is. It's more like my teeth have a constant grip on a piece of aluminum foil. The hard thing about this is that the chemo in general has made my appetite slim to none. Doctors orders are to eat and drink, with water being a very important part of my healing. When I first started I thought the 64 oz of water per day prescription would be a piece of cake. I've always loved water, I could easily drink gallons a day and never understood people who didn't like water. Guess what? I hate water now. Water just amplifies the aluminum taste in my mouth. So trying to drink 64 oz per day is like torture. I've started cheating with Vitamin Waters and Orange Pellegrinos... those seem to go down a little easier. But in general, my body just doesn't want to eat or drink right now. The food it does want is definitely a complete 180 from my previous diet. I crave meat! And not filets, but the good juicy tasty sirloin cuts, tri-tips or hamburgers. Plus bring on anything super salty or super sweet. Kraft mac & cheese is divine, pizza is heaven and strawberries with doses of sugar is delectable. Thankfully my doctor prioritizes eating over anything, even if it means putting processed and non-organic foods into my system. The goal now is to get through chemo with energy (food = energy), I can focus on a healthier diet once I get out of the deep end.
What else? My nails have started to get really sensitive and are slowly turning purple. I don't think I'm going to lose them, although I've been watching them closely. And I'm still experiencing the rashes that started last time, so I've been popping Benadryl's each night to keep the itchiness under control.
If all goes well, I'll be able to slowly start back to my normal routine at the end of the month/top of June. Although my Doctor feels it's a little pre-mature, he understands I've put my life on hold for 6 months and I need to make sure the things that have taken a back seat are attended to. The one thing he's concerned with is what he calls a very typical "PTSD" that cancer patients often battle with once the chemo is complete. It's definitely something that's been on my mind since rounding chemo 3, and I'm scared for it, but as with everything I've dealt with... there's nothing to do but face it and deal with it when it happens.
So that's my latest update. If the last 2 chemos are similar to this one, I'll hit a fatigue wall today or tomorrow which I believe is a side effect of the steroids completely leaving my body. But my appetite should start to pick up, and hopefully my taste buds will eventually come back to normal. Or perhaps they will completely change and one day I'll enjoy things I used to hate like blue cheese, tomatoes and cilantro!
Thank you for all the congratulatory notes. Your love continues to push me forward. It's still hard for me to believe I've battled breast cancer, 2 surgeries and chemotherapy... but you'd be amazed at what your mind and body can accomplish when put to the test. Treat it right, pat yourself on the back for everything it has given you to date, and make sure to listen to it when it's trying to tell you something. After all it's given you, it deserves to be heard!
The good news is that I'm past that! This is the week where I slowly start recovering from chemo. Where other side effects become more evident because my body isn't completely shut down. I've written about most of the side effects, but some new ones have started to appear or old ones are more pronounced... probably part of the "cumulative" thing. First are all the side effects that come from premature menopause, with the most apparent one being the hot flashes and night sweats. If you know me, you know I'm always cold. I walk around the office with a blanket, I walk around the house with a vest, I rub my cold feet against my husbands warm legs in bed (a habit he absolutely hates!), I run to the store during a night out with friends to purchase a new sweatshirt (yes, always an excuse to shop!). I'm the cold one, I've always been! I wasn't prepared for such a drastic change in body temperature. These hot flashes are the strangest things, and they appear for no reason and with no warning. I'm experiencing around 10 a day, and it feels like a sudden internal fire has abrupted inside and quickly starts to spread outward towards my skin. I immediately throw off my sweatshirt, pull off my cap or bandana and watch as my body starts to perspire for no apparent reason. If I can make my way to the backyard to cool off in our 50 degree ocean breeze, I immediately do so. My biggest sympathies for all the menopausal women who deal with this. I won't know for at least 6 months whether I will be 100% in menopause. Although being this young and already in menopause breaks my heart, there's a part of me that feels like if I have to do this, let's only do it once!
Another side effect that seems more pronounced is the loss in taste buds and this constant horrible taste in my mouth. Many have described it as a metal taste. But when I hear metal, I think of the taste of blood, which in all honesty would be a much better taste than what it is. It's more like my teeth have a constant grip on a piece of aluminum foil. The hard thing about this is that the chemo in general has made my appetite slim to none. Doctors orders are to eat and drink, with water being a very important part of my healing. When I first started I thought the 64 oz of water per day prescription would be a piece of cake. I've always loved water, I could easily drink gallons a day and never understood people who didn't like water. Guess what? I hate water now. Water just amplifies the aluminum taste in my mouth. So trying to drink 64 oz per day is like torture. I've started cheating with Vitamin Waters and Orange Pellegrinos... those seem to go down a little easier. But in general, my body just doesn't want to eat or drink right now. The food it does want is definitely a complete 180 from my previous diet. I crave meat! And not filets, but the good juicy tasty sirloin cuts, tri-tips or hamburgers. Plus bring on anything super salty or super sweet. Kraft mac & cheese is divine, pizza is heaven and strawberries with doses of sugar is delectable. Thankfully my doctor prioritizes eating over anything, even if it means putting processed and non-organic foods into my system. The goal now is to get through chemo with energy (food = energy), I can focus on a healthier diet once I get out of the deep end.
What else? My nails have started to get really sensitive and are slowly turning purple. I don't think I'm going to lose them, although I've been watching them closely. And I'm still experiencing the rashes that started last time, so I've been popping Benadryl's each night to keep the itchiness under control.
If all goes well, I'll be able to slowly start back to my normal routine at the end of the month/top of June. Although my Doctor feels it's a little pre-mature, he understands I've put my life on hold for 6 months and I need to make sure the things that have taken a back seat are attended to. The one thing he's concerned with is what he calls a very typical "PTSD" that cancer patients often battle with once the chemo is complete. It's definitely something that's been on my mind since rounding chemo 3, and I'm scared for it, but as with everything I've dealt with... there's nothing to do but face it and deal with it when it happens.
So that's my latest update. If the last 2 chemos are similar to this one, I'll hit a fatigue wall today or tomorrow which I believe is a side effect of the steroids completely leaving my body. But my appetite should start to pick up, and hopefully my taste buds will eventually come back to normal. Or perhaps they will completely change and one day I'll enjoy things I used to hate like blue cheese, tomatoes and cilantro!
Thank you for all the congratulatory notes. Your love continues to push me forward. It's still hard for me to believe I've battled breast cancer, 2 surgeries and chemotherapy... but you'd be amazed at what your mind and body can accomplish when put to the test. Treat it right, pat yourself on the back for everything it has given you to date, and make sure to listen to it when it's trying to tell you something. After all it's given you, it deserves to be heard!
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Neulasta No More!
Rejoice, today is my very last Neulasta shot! I'm feeling decent after chemo yesterday. Standard immediate side effects... no taste buds, upset stomach, overall fatigue. I've also oddly lost some hearing. If my lessons from previous rounds holds true, everything will hit me more drastically in a few hours.
After today I won't have to make this drive for another 4 weeks. When I do come back for my post chemo follow-up, I will learn some tips on how to stay healthy to avoid recurrence. I'll also get my next phase of treatment which is a pill called Tamoxifen. Tamoxifen is a hormone receptor who's job is to block any rogue cancer cells from growing in the chance Chemo didn't kill all of them. I'll be on this for 10 years unless new research comes out which can cure this disease all together.
To celebrate my last Neulasta, I've pulled out my new purple wig. I haven't named her yet, I'm open to suggestions!
Enjoy the beautiful weather today for those in California. It's gorgeous outside, don't forget to smell those beautiful roses!
After today I won't have to make this drive for another 4 weeks. When I do come back for my post chemo follow-up, I will learn some tips on how to stay healthy to avoid recurrence. I'll also get my next phase of treatment which is a pill called Tamoxifen. Tamoxifen is a hormone receptor who's job is to block any rogue cancer cells from growing in the chance Chemo didn't kill all of them. I'll be on this for 10 years unless new research comes out which can cure this disease all together.
To celebrate my last Neulasta, I've pulled out my new purple wig. I haven't named her yet, I'm open to suggestions!
Enjoy the beautiful weather today for those in California. It's gorgeous outside, don't forget to smell those beautiful roses!
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Hurray! Chemo is officially complete!
To celebrate my freedom I took off the wig. Ok, still hiding behind a bandana, but baby steps! :) Cheers to another major milestone completed.
Chemo 4: Last One! May 1, 2013
Counting my blessings on this last chemo! Third try with the IV finally worked. My veins are going to celebrate after today. They are not happy with me, especially when the needle broke on the nurse's second try!
I'm rockin' out with the Roxy wig today. And I'm posting the best chemo accessory ever... a fingerless glove! Thanks to my chemo buddy Molly for the tip. My hands get super cold during the infusion. This is a must-get if you are going through chemo without a port.
I'm rockin' out with the Roxy wig today. And I'm posting the best chemo accessory ever... a fingerless glove! Thanks to my chemo buddy Molly for the tip. My hands get super cold during the infusion. This is a must-get if you are going through chemo without a port.
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