Not too bad yet...

Snapshot from the chemo room. On 2nd bag of Emend which hurt my arm, but nurse said it should dissipate now that I'm getting some Benadryl.

Chemo Day

Chemotherapy starts today, around 1 1/2 hours to be exact. I have a little secret to share with you. I'm scared. Chemotherapy stories are the ones you hear about as non-cancer patients. This is the treatment people associate cancer with. This is the therapy that will make me not only feel like a cancer patient on the inside, but look like a cancer patient on the outside. This is the thing that will no longer allow me to hide in the crowd as if I'm just one of you, because you will be able to see that I have cancer. Chemotherapy F'in sucks, and I don't want to do it, but I have to.

The more rationale side of me knows that this is an incredibly important process to my survival statistics. Chemotherapy will decrease the chance of the cancer from my left breast metastasising (spreading) to other areas of my body not already removed - like my lungs, bones, blood, liver. Chemotherapy is good. Chemotherapy will help me live a full life with the man I love and who has tenderly cared for me throughout this process, the family who has raised me and taught me how to be a fighter, the friends I adore and have shown me how to still have fun and laugh, the dogs I cherish and continue to give me their unconditional love and I know will be the only ones not judging me when I walk around bald. I have to do this, I want to do this, I'm just really really scared of doing this.

Jon will be with me today, sitting with me while I patiently watch the drugs drip into my IV. I've got my new favorite cozy blanket to keep me warm (thanks L&A), all my digital gadgets, my latest knitting experiment looking like it wants to be finished, and a new book in case I just want to escape into somebody's life that's not mine (which actually sounds quite lovely right now).

I'm finishing up my cream of wheat cereal (bland but high in iron, as recommended), my delicious vice of a hot cup of coffee, and am ready to pop 2 steroids and a colace for one of the many unfortunate steroid side effects.

I will continue to be fierce, I promise. But today I'm giving myself a pass to be a little bit scared.

Milestones

This past week has been one of milestones, mini-victories which I am proud to report and celebrate with you. As my wise husband told me at the start of this, "celebrate the little wins", and I will continue to do that and share with you these good little nuggets of gold that keep me motivated.

First, not only did I manage to wash my own hair, I also managed to take a shower 100% on my own! Yes, 3 months ago I certainly would not think something like this could create such overwhelming happiness, but believe it or not I have been incapable of showering on my own since January 11th. To be able to reach the top of my head and lather it with shampoo, to bend over and scrub my own toes... these are the things that make me happy now, these are the ways I measure how much better I am today than I was after my double M.

Second, I'm driving on my own. Not far drives, but local trips to my physical therapist or my doctor. As I still don't have complete range of motion, I'm definitely trying to avoid this as much as possible. But someone needs to "bring home the bacon" right now (yes, that would be Jon), so I'm thankful to have the ability to get to these appointments on my own.

Third, today my Plastic Surgeon removed the surgical tape which has been wrapped around my chest (both above and below) since January 11th. Not only did the tape make me feel like I was constricted by a corset 24/7, it also irritated my skin which caused a lot of itching and rashes. Although I've been sleeping nicely on Benadryl every night, I feel like I'm one of those girls in those period films whose been freed from the mean mother who tightens the laces on her corset as the girl gasps to find air!

Fourth, speaking of drugs, I'm slowly weening myself off of the pain meds from the surgeries. I hated being too dependent on these things, and I'm finally able to last up to 10 hours without anything.

Fifth, today I received my very first "fill" into my tissue expanders. My Plastic Surgeon numbed each breast and then filled each side with 50 cc's of saline. No pain, not even any pressure. I've heard this can be quite painful, so I'll see how I feel tomorrow as well as the next round (perhaps when they inject more than 50 cc's), but as of now I'm quite happy that I've healed enough to get my very first fill!

Last, my Plastic Surgeon gave me the green light to start chemotherapy this week. As mentioned on my last post, I've been full of anxiety about this next stage in my treatment. Last weeks delay was so disappointing to me, and I was very fearful it was going to be delayed again as I wasn't sure I was healing quick enough. I couldn't fathom having to wait it out another week, but luckily I won't have to. 

So, chemotherapy officially starts on Thursday February 28th. Here's what I know. On Wednesday I will go in and get my blood drawn where they will make sure my red blood count, white blood count, platelet count, etc are all in good order to start chemo. I will also begin the steroids I've been prescribed with, along with all the other over-the-counter meds to prepare me for the long list of chemo side effects. On Thursday I will meet with my Oncologist, and then they'll take me to the chemo room where I'll sit on a lounge chair, get hooked up to an IV and slowly get injected with Cytoxan and Taxotere - the 2 main cancer-fighting drugs that make up my "chemo cocktail". They'll also drip in some nausea fighting drugs like Emend, in hopes that I won't get sick from the drugs. My first session will be closely monitored, as a few people have allergic reactions to the drugs so they'll want to make sure I'm not "one of those few". It should last between 3-4 hours, after which I am told I should go home and "do nothing". Friday I will go back and get a shot of Neulasta, which will help increase my white blood cell count, but has a side effect of bone pain (apparently worse for younger chemo patients, which definitely includes me). So yes... more over-the-counter drugs to address that. Apparently the 4th-5th day have been known to be the worst, when the good drugs start wearing off and you begin to feel the effects of chemotherapy, so Sunday and Monday will be telling.

When do I lose my hair? I didn't realize that chemotherapy actually isn't something that specifically kills "cancer cells". Instead it kills "fast growing cells". The fast growing cells in our bodies (besides the cancer cells in mine) are things like hair, cells in our mouths, etc. So the reason for the hair loss is that chemotherapy is actually killing the cells that produce the hair. Apparently I should expect to lose my hair by the 3rd week. I have no doubt that will be a very difficult day for me. But I do have "Niki", "Roxy", "Suki" and "Crystal" all on stand-by for when that day happens. 

So the waiting will soon be over, and by this time next week I'll be 25% done with Chemotherapy. I'll keep you tabbed on how I do, your guess at this point is as good as mine. But I'm keeping my spirits up as promised, and celebrating my mini victories.

Close, just not there yet...

Another week of waiting unfortunately. Yesterday my Plastic Surgeon confirmed my skin needs an extra week of healing which means Chemotherapy will be postponed another week. I'm close, just not there yet - which is beginning to sound like the story of my life right now! I'm not exactly "excited" to start Chemotherapy, but as the horror stories and urban legends have us believe, I'm very nervous about it as I don't know how I'll react. My Chemotherapy 2-hour lesson was so overwhelming for me - from the potential side effects to the strict regiment of drugs I'll need to be on - I feel like the only way I can get over this anxiety is to just get it started. I guess I should be thankful to have another week of feeling 50% myself (instead of perhaps 10% myself once I start Chemotherapy) - and trying to adopt a "glass half full" mentality, I'll keep telling myself that all week. But I'm just so nervous about it, the waiting is beginning to tear me apart.

Chemo aside, this past weekend my very special friends took me wig shopping and I came home with 4 new sassy looks. I'm not going to post photos, I'll let you imagine what they are. But we have named them... "Roxy", "Niki", "Suki" and "Crystal", and they will all be making appearances once I lose my hair. I'm sure the collection will continue to grow, as I can't really shop for clothes right now, so wigs have become my new accessory of choice!

I am thrilled with the new photos being posted to Instagram! Thanks again for your support and love.

Hi, my name is Nicole, and I have breast cancer.

Since November, I can say I've had a lot of "firsts" in my life. My first mammogram, my first breast biopsy, my first diagnosis of cancer, my first time being out of work for more than 2 weeks, my first time (since I can remember at least) of not being 100% self sufficient, my first time of not being in control of a situation (or at least pretending to be). Today I tried another first, something I never thought would be on my list of "firsts", but cancer has seemed to find a way of adding unexpected "firsts" to my list. Today I joined a cancer support group. I italicize joined, because I'm not quite sure I'll be a member yet... but I did take the first step and attended a "Welcome Meeting" and signed up for a "Newly Diagnosed With Breast Cancer" weekly group session.

First, I am so very thankful there are organizations like this out there. That people realize the importance of bringing people together who can share and talk about similar experiences, help each other cope and provide personal stories or sounding boards for going through a life-changing diagnosis like cancer. All groups and meetings are free of charge, and they even have a library of books where people can check-out via "honor system" and dive into research, statistics, stories and more from others who are experts or are going through whatever form of cancer they may have. They've partnered with gyms like Spectrum where I can take free Zumba classes (yay!) and at their own facility they have yoga, meditation, tai chi and other classes that I may test out when my body is ready.

All that said, the place is in dire need of a face lift! I guess I can't complain when everything there is likely donated or provided via the wonderful angels of the world who give money to support non-profits like these. But I definitely felt like I took a time machine back to the 1970's when shag carpets were big and olive green upholstery was the "in" color of the season. I had to force myself with all self restraint to not lose myself in a laughing fit when they turned on the "welcome" DVD and a lady, Farrah Fawcett haircut and all, started speaking in the softest of tones with cheesy public domain elevator music playing in the background. After she spoke about how we all deal with these difficult times differently and that she helped start this community to support those with cancer, the director proceeded to interview others from the 1970's who either looked like they were 70 years old or were on their death beds. Now, come on! Do you really think we want to see people who look like hell and listen to people who are talking to us like we're babies? Time to update this welcome video! Working in the Entertainment Industry, perhaps there's a filmmaker or even upcoming film student reading this who can take a whack at it! I can help write the script, and it probably would start like this... "OK, you have cancer. Scream it out loud, tell it you hate it, imagine yourself killing those ugly little cells, cry if you need to, take the time to grieve, and now get into action and start learning everything you can about what you've been diagnosed with so you can kick this in the ass!" Then I'd find people, young and old (from our current decade), to interview and tell stories about how this community has helped them, survivors included!

All said, we'll see how the actual "support group" session goes. I'm not giving up, I'll try it and see if it's for me. I'm looking forward to meeting others who have breast cancer, and I'm curious to hear their stories. If it's not for me, then I'll keep looking for other ways!

Speaking of therapy, I have my second physical therapy appointment today. This is one form of therapy I absolutely love. I can't tell you how wonderful it's been to feel a little more mobile and not be scared to lift my arm too high or to reach over to my bedside table to grab a glass of water without needing the help of Jon. I've been doing my daily exercises with full enthusiasm, and I feel like I'm getting more flexible each day. I also have to say I've missed that "good pain" you get when you've exerted your muscles to their maximum. Although when the therapist stretches me, it definitely hurts, I welcome that hurt as I've missed it. Laying in bed all day after being a regular spin addict has not been an easy thing for me to do. I also think, given my personality, physical therapy helps me get one more step closer to complete control of myself. It hasn't been easy for me to rely on others (although I have done so, and have very much welcomed it and am thankful for it!). I feel like it's helping me take small steps towards controlling my body and my ability to be completely self sufficient again.

Therapy aside, the upcoming week is a big one. I'm excited to start my wig shopping tomorrow as I will be tentatively starting Chemotherapy on Thursday. I am scheduled to see my Plastic Surgeon on Tuesday where she can confirm whether I am fully healed so I can start on Thursday. If not, we'll have to push it out one week. Chemotherapy starts a whole new phase in my treatment. I walked out of my Chemo Lesson this week completely overwhelmed with new information, prescriptions, side effects and a very long "to-do" list of things I need to get done before or during. I have no idea how I'll feel, but between the steroids they pump me up with before/after, the drugs they'll drip into my IV to kill "fast growing cells", and the shot I take the next day to avoid white blood cell drop, I know my body is about to go into the next stage of war against cancer. I'm ready for it, as I always promised, I'll kick this cancers ass and I'm moving on to phase 2 of doing just that!

Locks of love

It's been 2 months and 1 week from diagnosis... wow. I'm shocked how much my life has changed since December 3rd - how much I've learned about myself, about my husband, about my family and my friends. How much I took for granted the little things - from being physically self sufficient to having a strong support system of family and friends. I knew I'd come out of this a different person, but I don't think I realized how soon I'd start to feel these changes. And I also know deep in my heart that I will never completely "come out of this". As much as it helps to cope and tackle something like this with a very practical step-by-step approach, I know this will be with me forever. Beyond the drugs and physical changes that will follow me for the rest of my life, I will have lived through and survived this. I will have grieved, cried, laughed and smiled harder and more openly than I ever could have before cancer. I'm partially surprised when I hear colleagues tell me they love reading the blog as they are able to see a different side of me that they've never seen before. On the contrary my friends tell me how wonderful it is to read my posts and that they can hear and imagine me saying every word I write. How crazy it is that I've created 2 very different worlds for myself... perhaps being a Gemini truly has some significance. And maybe, just maybe, there is something profound I should be conceiving from this.

Enough soul searching, here's where I am today. I've been taking full advantage of the "mini field trips" my Plastic Surgeon prescribed me with. These field trips have included several electronic shopping sprees, being pent up in bed all day hasn't allowed me to indulge in my rather compulsive shopping habits. But I now have enough energy to browse the online flash sales and take the few small steps to drag myself out of  bed, grab my wallet, and pick up Mr. Amex whom has been feeling rather neglected for the last few months (sans the medical bills).

I had my first "girls night in" organized by my friends and themed as a Pajama Party where my girlfriends brought over some delicious grub, decked out in their most comfy PJ's, and cozied up on the couch with me to watch "For A Good Time Call..." and "Pitch Perfect", both great girls night in movies (yes, I will forever be a Marketer as I admit I worked on one of these movies, and the other is from my parent company Universal). 9 bottles of wine later (don't worry, I only indulged in 1-2 glasses which my Docs told me was OK) and dosed up on much needed girl talk including debates on which celebs are pretty or ugly, whether the guy in "Pitch Perfect" is a hottie or a complete joke (I vote the latter), quick catch-ups on missed weddings and weekend boozefests including karaoke nights, and some re-evaluation on the best cup size for me... I was "happy as a clam at high tide" but exhausted from enduring the most activity my body had consumed in a month. I slept like a baby that night, as did hubby who was also able to enjoy a much needed "boys night out"!

The next day I woke up ready to conquer my first step in chemo preperation. I scheduled an afternoon haircut appointment, and was excited to don a fresh shorter cut which will also ease the emotions I'll be feeling when I start losing my hair 2-3 weeks after my first chemo session. In addition, I took a first big step and drove to my appointment. Jon has been my personal chaueffeur for the last month and it felt wonderful to get behind the wheel myself. Although I probably drove like a Grandma, and avoided sharp turns or U-turns, Jon patiently sat shot gun and applauded my good driving skills. I won't be making any long drives or getting on the freeway anytime soon, but it's good to know I have the ability to take short trips if I need to without Jon.

Prepped with photos of gorgeous models with short dos, my stylist promised she'd try to do everything she could to transform me into a super star with her scissors and expert hands! In addition I saved my hair and am donating it to "Locks of Love" where they create hair prosthetics for disadvantaged children.  I've posted some pics below... I'm pleased with the results!

Next up? This coming week I have many more doc appointments. I start physical therapy on Monday so the therapists can help me start building back the strength and mobility of my shoulders and arms. I have an appointment to spend a couple hours with a Chemotherapy Nurse who will be talking me through everything I should expect and will provide me with a prescription to start shopping for wigs. I will be dragging my girlfriends out with me for some wig shopping so I can start building a collection of fun hair pieces and wigs of all colors and styles, along with hats, scarves and all the fun accessories I can wear with them. I have a follow-up with my Plastic Surgeon to check how my wounds are healing, possibly get more stitches (or some removed), hopefully solidify a chemo date and maybe get the first injection of saline into my tissue expanders. Right now we're hoping to start Chemo on February 21st, but my Doctors will want to make sure my wounds are in good shape before we finalize that schedule.

So that's it for now! I miss seeing new Instagram photos... please post if you can! I have learned you need a public profile in order for your photo to upload to the feed. If you don't want to, or don't know how, just email me your photo and I can upload it on my account. I really do love seeing the photos!

Oh, and one more thing. Thank you to everyone who has sent me flowers, gifts, food, and just pure love. I have a full spreadsheet of thank you's I need to send out, but I haven't had the energy to write them, and writing is actually a lot more difficult than typing. But know I have received and am in huge thanks for everything, and I promise to send you a personal note of thanks when I am feeling better.

XOXO

Getting back on track

It's been four days after my second surgery and I'm feeling much better than I initially thought I would be. When I woke up after Thursday's surgery I was in a lot of pain. That entire night I would wake Jon up every hour begging for more meds. My mind was racing with fears of starting back at square 1, after an entire 3 weeks of doing nothing but resting! Thankfully I am happy to report that I am in a much better place now. I feel like I've picked back up to where I was before the second surgery. I can floss and brush my own teeth! With some minor pain, I can sit myself up from a laying position. I can wash my own face and sit on the floor and pet my baby dogs. I'm still not able to raise my arms, and after around 5 minutes of standing I'm ready to collapse onto my bed, but I will tell you that all of this is an incredible amount of progress for me, and I'm slowly but surely getting more self sufficient.

My Plastic Surgeon has assured me that the surgery went great. She took time out of her Sunday to meet with me yesterday and see how my wounds were healing. My skin seems to be adapting nicely to it's new home from below my breasts to becoming my actual breasts. Both nipples are pretty much gone, but that just means I get to go nipple shopping in addition to boob shopping! I go back on Wednesday to potentially get some stitches removed, and for another check-up to see how I'm progressing. My Plastic Surgeon thinks I'll be ready for physical therapy by the end of the week to help relax my muscles and begin the process of raising my arms. She also thinks by the end of the week I can start little "mini field trips". Hallelujah! The first appointment I will be making is a haircut. It's time to start thinking about shorter hair to ease the loss when Chemotherapy begins.

Speaking of Chemo and the next phase of treatment... my Oncotype DX report came back and it confirmed everything the pathology report was telling us. Apparently there's a scoring system of 1-50. 1-18 is slow growing cancer, 19-30 is intermediate, 31-50 is aggressive. I'm 31, right on the bottom of aggressive, which was to be expected based on my Ki-67 scores, the fact that I'm young, that my cancer was invasive, and that it hit my blood stream. This means I'm definitely in for Chemotherapy. I have an appointment with my Oncologist tomorrow to go into more detail on what to expect, but I do know I will likely undergo 4 treatments every 3 weeks, and it's done via IV for around 2.5 hours. My Plastic Surgeon and Oncologist will determine when I'm ready to start, but it sounds like 3 weeks from my last surgery is the current plan as long as I'm healing as expected.

So that's the latest. I believe I'm back on the path, just had to deal with a minor detour. And hey, the detour did bestow me with a mini "reverse tummy tuck" as my Plastic Surgeon explained to me, a little silver lining that I can be thankful for!

Last, I want to thank everyone for uploading their photos wearing the IWBF t-shirts to Instagram. I've been obsessively refreshing for new photos, and finding a new one is honestly one of the best highlights of my day. I LOVE the fact that people are doing it, and everyone looks so beautiful, proud and happy. Thank you so very much for supporting me. It means the world to me. Imagine me looking at the photo slideshow all day, smiling at how loved and blessed I feel for having such a strong support of friends and family by my side.