Breasts, boobs, twins... they're referred to by many different names. I like to refer to mine as foreign pieces of plastic Tupperware that are as hard as rocks, round as oranges and as uncomfortable as you can imagine something would be that is sitting inside your body, stretching your skin and muscle more than it's ever been stretched before! I've lived with my expanders for almost a year now. The first pair were put inside me on January 11th, when I underwent my double mastectomy and reconstruction. That pair was removed in July when the stretching was too much for my body to handle, tearing my skin and exposing the expander to the surface. A new pair was placed inside me, a slightly more narrow pair that was supposed to fit my body a little better. Who would ever imagine I'd have 4 sets of boobs in one year!
Expanders are definitely odd things. Not only are they uncomfortable, they cause shooting pains through my chest for no apparent reason. Massaging them is supposed to be good for them, although I find it can hurt, especially right in between them. Although it's given me a sense of what my breast size will be, they're so incredibly unnatural that I don't even acknowledge them as breasts. The breasts I once had (yes, the ones that tried to kill me), have been disposed of... to some lab or trash or wherever Doctors get rid of them. The breasts I once had, had sensation. They were "private". They were me. These breasts don't feel anything when I accidentally cut a corner too tight and hit the wall (yes, this happens quite often!). They aren't sexy and private like breasts are supposed to be. I feel like I could put them on display and I wouldn't even blush with embarrassment. Hopefully they have done their job well. Hopefully my skin and muscles have stretched out to create a nice spacious home for new little bags of silicon gel. But I won't pretend to miss them. I will not miss the self consciousness when someone hugs me and I know they feel 2 rocks pressing up against them. I won't miss sleeping on my back which has caused such horrible back pain this year that I went to the Oncologist and got a bone scan because I feared something bad was going on. I won't miss looking in the mirror and seeing 2 things that are so foreign and unnatural, reminding me of what I went through this year. My Doctor has told me that people have described going from expanders to implants like going from ski boots to UGG boots. I can't wait to get my UGGs, because these ski boots have overstayed their welcome!
Which brings me to my 4th surgery of 2013, just a few short days away. On Monday December 9th I get my new UGG boobs! I will check in at 5am to St. John's in Santa Monica and undergo an approximately 4 hour surgery where my Plastic Surgeon (the wonderful Dr. Grunwald) will remove the tissue expanders and replace them with silicon implants. While she is in there, she is going to add more allograft (donor skin) to thicken my very thin skin. I'll wake up to new soft luscious boobies, ones that will hopefully jiggle a little when I shake! Unfortunately I will have drains yet again, one of the worst parts of these surgeries for me. But hell... it's a small price to pay for the long term benefits of new boobs that will hopefully look and feel a lot more natural than what I have right now, and won't be a living reminder of the pain I endured this past year. I'll be on "bed rest" of no activity for 2 weeks, limiting my arm range to elbows and below. And hopefully before I know it, I'll finally feel like my old self, something I don't even remember what was like.
You're probably wondering what's next. Whether I'll be done and can close the chapter on the hospital visits. Although I wish I could say it is, I still have a few final touches to be 100% whole again. In a few months, once I heal from the implant surgery, I will undergo another minor surgery where my Plastic Surgeon will create nipples by doing what she refers to as "origami" with my skin (no, she's not Asian!)... little folds and tucks to create a nipple. After that I'll go through around 4 rounds of tattooing to get the nipple color I want. And of course I continue to take Tamoxifen, something I will likely be on for 10 years, as well as the never-ending appointments with my Oncologist, Breast Surgeon and Plastic Surgeon. That said, this should be the last "major" surgery, and definitely a milestone I'll want to celebrate!
I do find it a little ironic that my very first blog post was exactly 1 year from Monday (my surgery date). Just this past Tuesday was exactly 1 year from the day I was diagnosed. I can't tell you how thrilled I am that 2013 will soon be coming to a close. I'm ready for this year to be part of my past.
Last, I wanted to share a little something I'm proud of. A few months ago I submitted my experience to the New York Times for a feature they were running called "Faces of Breast Cancer". They finally posted my story. If you've been following my journey, you've read these words come out of my mouth before... but I'm still darn proud that it's out there, and will hopefully inspire and help others who are going through similar experiences. Check it out here.
And one last closing video, for those few of you who didn't see this when it was making the rounds a month or so ago. I love this video, it's so inspiring and shows that although we may be dealt difficult challenges in life, it's the way we we deal with them that makes all the difference.
Click here to read the article about it.
