Mind vs. Body

I'm still home from the last surgery, slowly trying to build my strength in both mind and body. The odd thing about this latest set back is that I feel so much less "healed" than I did at the first part of the year. If I were to put them side by side, I would say that the first part of this year was more focused. I had a job to do, and that was to take care of my body. I knew mentally I had to stay strong, and I always had a plan for the next steps I needed to take in order to get better. My motto was to take things minute by minute - day by day, and to not get caught up in questions about the future.

Although it was one of the hardest challenges I've ever been through, a part of me almost yearns for the mental focus and the clarity of the next steps. My Oncologist warned me about this phase in the cancer fight, but it's deafening to be in the middle of it. It's been a scary realization to see that perhaps I don't have as clear an understanding of the limits of my body, and that the definition of "normal" is different for my body than it is my mind. I've always felt that the strength of my mind and my will has been one of my strongest traits. It's what pushed me to excel in my career, pushed me to establish a wonderful life with a home and a family, and continually pushes me to do better. But I see now that there needs to be a balance between mind and body. That for all the amazing strength the mind gives, it would be nowhere without my body. My problem is that I don't know how to listen to it. I've lived my whole life "assuming" that my body could take all that my mind willed for it. That my body was stronger than it was telling me, that it could take everything I sent it's way. But what became crystal clear after this last set back was that sometimes the mind can trick you into thinking the body is stronger than it really is. Perhaps I needed the consequences to be as drastic as they were, otherwise I'm not sure I would have listened. The problem I have now is whether I will hear the next time my body cries for help. And it scares me to my very core because I know how bad the consequences can be if I don't listen.

So this is where I am, one of the many many battles I'm trying to get through.

On a side note, I am happy to report I've pretty much thrown out the wigs! My hair continues to slowly grow, and I'm confident enough to go out without the security blanket of synthetic hair (plus I can sit under a heater without the fear of lighting on fire!). The other night I was sitting on the couch watching TV with Jon and I slowly ran my fingers through my very short hair. It was amazing... the feeling of hair running between your fingers, hair that is strongly attached to your head, hair that won't fall out from a simple gust of wind or a rest on a pillow. I know this may sound so silly, but it was the most wonderful feeling in the world at that moment, and I am so grateful to be able to do it. So run your fingers through your hair today and take one moment to be thankful for all the things we take for granted in life.

Secret Renewal

Recovery from this surgery continues... my chest is still really sore and tender, more enhanced with the surgical tape that's been on since the surgery, as well as the ugly medical bra I have to wear 24/7. I'm happily a tad more mobile without the drains which were removed last Friday, although I'm still not able to move my upper arms. As always in these situations, you never realize how much you take for granted until it's taken away from you. Without upper arm mobility I can't lift, I still can't shower on my own, driving is incredibly challenging (specifically the turns), and applying make-up is like competing in the Olympics! But all that said, once the drains were removed, things have gotten a lot more comfortable. 

In writing this, I realize that "drains" may sound rather foreign to people. This is the second time I've had them, and I already despise them! Basically, drains are placed inside someone during the surgery. They help to "drain" out all the extra fluid your body produces after the surgery. Think about the last time you cut yourself. All the white blood cells (etc) swarm to the cut site to heal it, and while doing so they produce a lot of fluid (that yucky yellow stuff you see on the band aid). Similarly with this surgery, a lot of extra fluid is created in the body and there needs to be a way to excrete it, thus the job of the drain. The drain looks like a little balloon with a long flexible straw attached to it. Half of the "straw" is inside my body, the top of it placed where all the extra fluid is collecting. The other half extends outside my body, exiting via a little hole the surgeon cuts on my side. This is attached to a balloon like device which collects all the fluid and needs to be emptied 2x's/day. Jon is the lucky caregiver who had the task of emptying my drains. I've included a little diagram below for those interested. I will disclaimer that I am not a doctor, so my explanation of the medical need for these drains is quite limited!

Aside from the healing, Jon and I are now happily in our 10th year of marriage! This year has been one of extremes... the highest of all highs, and the lowest of all lows. The other day my wonderful friends gave me an evening that will forever go down as one of the happiest nights of my life. As I mentioned in my last post, not only was I upset about this set-back from a physical and mental state, but I was also very much looking forward to celebrating Jon and my 10th year anniversary by renewing our vows in Vegas with our friends. To have to cancel the trip was heartbreaking. To my surprise, our friends were secretly planning something the minute they found out we had to cancel the trip, and Jon was in on the secret as well! Although still tender from the surgery, Jon urged me to get out of the house for a visit to our friends gorgeous new home. I get a little stir crazy sitting at home all day, so I knew it would be good for me to get some air and see some friends. As the door opened, I was in complete shock to see all my friends gathered to celebrate our anniversary with us. They quickly whisked me into the bedroom for "more surprises" as they told me! They undressed my all-black attire (the mood I was in!) and threw me (very gingerly) into a white dress. From there they walked me through the house and into the backyard where all our friends had gathered and Jon was standing under a beautiful white arch with Elvis by his side! And just like I had imagined, Elvis conducted a beautiful ceremony with all our closest friends, renewing the vows Jon and I had taken 10 years previously. But this time those vows meant so much more, this time we really understood the definition of "in good and bad", and we knew how much stronger our love has become. 

It's times like this that I am reminded how lucky I really am. For all the bad that has happened this year, I know it could be so much worse. I have an amazing husband, fabulous friends, a loving family, a beautiful house, and two adorable dogs... I am one blessed lady. 

Unveiling for the first time... the new "no wig" me.

Beyonce, Riri, Miley... eat your heart out. I win the contest for shortest cut!
I do give credit to Charlize for inspiring me to just throw off the wig... believe me I realize I don't have her beautiful face. :)

Image of drains after a mastectomy.