Mind vs. Body

I'm still home from the last surgery, slowly trying to build my strength in both mind and body. The odd thing about this latest set back is that I feel so much less "healed" than I did at the first part of the year. If I were to put them side by side, I would say that the first part of this year was more focused. I had a job to do, and that was to take care of my body. I knew mentally I had to stay strong, and I always had a plan for the next steps I needed to take in order to get better. My motto was to take things minute by minute - day by day, and to not get caught up in questions about the future.

Although it was one of the hardest challenges I've ever been through, a part of me almost yearns for the mental focus and the clarity of the next steps. My Oncologist warned me about this phase in the cancer fight, but it's deafening to be in the middle of it. It's been a scary realization to see that perhaps I don't have as clear an understanding of the limits of my body, and that the definition of "normal" is different for my body than it is my mind. I've always felt that the strength of my mind and my will has been one of my strongest traits. It's what pushed me to excel in my career, pushed me to establish a wonderful life with a home and a family, and continually pushes me to do better. But I see now that there needs to be a balance between mind and body. That for all the amazing strength the mind gives, it would be nowhere without my body. My problem is that I don't know how to listen to it. I've lived my whole life "assuming" that my body could take all that my mind willed for it. That my body was stronger than it was telling me, that it could take everything I sent it's way. But what became crystal clear after this last set back was that sometimes the mind can trick you into thinking the body is stronger than it really is. Perhaps I needed the consequences to be as drastic as they were, otherwise I'm not sure I would have listened. The problem I have now is whether I will hear the next time my body cries for help. And it scares me to my very core because I know how bad the consequences can be if I don't listen.

So this is where I am, one of the many many battles I'm trying to get through.

On a side note, I am happy to report I've pretty much thrown out the wigs! My hair continues to slowly grow, and I'm confident enough to go out without the security blanket of synthetic hair (plus I can sit under a heater without the fear of lighting on fire!). The other night I was sitting on the couch watching TV with Jon and I slowly ran my fingers through my very short hair. It was amazing... the feeling of hair running between your fingers, hair that is strongly attached to your head, hair that won't fall out from a simple gust of wind or a rest on a pillow. I know this may sound so silly, but it was the most wonderful feeling in the world at that moment, and I am so grateful to be able to do it. So run your fingers through your hair today and take one moment to be thankful for all the things we take for granted in life.