Halfway Done!

I'm officially 50% complete with chemo and I'm thrilled! Last Thursday my friends Carla and Laura joined me during my chemo infusion. Decked in my pink ensemble, the 5 hours flew by quickly as my friends kept me occupied on stories other than the meds dripping into my IV. This time around it's been easier. I'm not sure if it's because I was overly sensitive to getting the same side effects as the first round and mentally prepared myself for the worse, or if it was because I took even more careful diligence to my medications and nipping side effects in the bud the minute I started to feel something. Either way, I plan on the same regime the next time in hopes it will continue to be similar. The theories are that chemotherapy side effects are cumulative, but the Neulasta side effects subside each time.

The main side effects this round have been intense fatigue mixed with bone aches. Fatigue is a strange thing. It's like the world is in slow motion yet I still can't keep up. On my daily walks, I've all of a sudden landed in the back of the group (Jon, 2 dogs and me). Usually I'm the one to run ahead and provoke the dogs for a game of catch up. This week they've all been looking behind their shoulders to see an out-of-breath me trailing behind at snails-pace! I eat slower, talk slower, breath slower, reach slower... it's a very odd feeling when you're used to moving 100 mph. I even talk softer which I didn't realize until the man in the check-out line aggressively asked me to repeat myself and I almost started to cry at his rudeness. Talking takes energy, doesn't anyone realize this!?!? And what's with the tears? When did I get so sensitive?!?!

Besides the fatigue, the bone aches have probably been around 1/2 to 3/4 the intensity they were the last round. One precaution I took this time was heading back to my Oncologist the day after chemo to get an 1.5 hour IV infusion of saline to hydrate my body. Surprisingly the nurse said my veins were already dehydrated which shocked me considering I was drinking water like a fish. Other than that, I have similar ailments as the last time such as flat taste buds, upset stomach, headaches, dry skin, sensitive mouth, emotional breakdowns, etc.

My hair loss continues. It's taken some time to get used to, but it's much easier now that it's shaved to a #1. I sleep with a nightcap on to keep the warmth, but always wake up to a pool of little splinters of black hair. At first my head looked like a cheetah, now it looks like a peach on the top with cheetah patches on the back. It's been interesting to unveil parts of my virgin scalp, finding little freckles in places I never knew I had! The wigs are always fun to play with (big thanks to my Publicity colleagues who sent over 2 new amazing shades, one being purple - the color I've been looking to buy). But I have started to enjoy the freedom of a bald head or simple scarf at home, I even had the courage to walk the dogs a few times with only a scarf on. When I do this I am very attentive to other peoples glances, trying to evaluate if they see a sick person or a normal woman walking past them. I know this insecurity will eventually fade, but it has taken a bit of courage to get used to. After all, it's all face now... I don't have the hair to hide underneath! But I highly doubt I'll be going to work or to a ball game without the security of a wig.

All said, last night I celebrated a new me. As I was walking around bald and glowing, I realized how free and invigorated I felt. It's been refreshing to know that the chemo is working and that anything "fast growing" is getting killed (and replaced if it's non-cancerous). No facial, body scrub, fast or diet could cleanse my body as good as chemo is doing, and it's an exhilarating feeling that I welcome. I'm like a lizard, shedding my old skin and getting ready to unveil a new silky smooth me!

P.S. I don't want to forget another shout out of gratitude for the new Instagram photos posted. The shot on Jurassic Park is of my Marketing colleagues who decked out in IWBF shirts, walked through Universal Studios Theme Park in support of me, and took a scary plunge down the ride. It's an amazing photo, I'm still trying to figure out if they actually carried the sign or photoshopped it in!

Chemo 2

Rockin the pink wig on chemo 2 with my girls! Thanks Laura and Carla!

Day 19

It's official, the day is here. It's day 19 from my first chemo, a day that I'll always remember. Just like December 3 2012 - the day I was diagnosed with breast cancer, January 11 2013 - the day I underwent a double M and January 31 2013 - the day I had a second surgery due to my skin not healing... March 18 2013 (aka Day 19) will be etched into my memory as the day I finally shaved my head. Tonight Jon will take me to the local Supercuts down the street to shave both of our heads.

Although it may seem sudden, it's been a long week of anticipation. It started last Tuesday night when I lay on the couch and started to feel this odd tingling in my scalp. My head was sensitive, and I swear I could feel each strand of hair slowly letting go of it's desperate grasp of my scalp. That was the night it really sank in, that I knew in my heart that I was going to lose my hair, and that it was going to be very soon. I cried myself to sleep that night. Sure enough, the next morning I woke up to strands of hair on my pillow. I softly stroked my head and 10 or so strands came out. I tried it again, and 10 came out again. OK, this was happening, I had felt it the night before. The next morning I woke up and there was more hair on my pillow. Same routine, this time 20 or so strands came out. And besides a sensitivity to my head, my actual scalp hurt. It felt like I had worn a pony tail all day and my hair was aching from being pulled too tight for too long. That night my sister arrived in LA to visit me for the weekend as Jon was heading out to spring training in AZ for a much needed weekend of no responsibilities. I forewarned him I may be bald when he came home, and made him promise me he'd still love me (silly me, I guess I just needed to hear him say it). On Friday (day 16), after pulling out clumps of hair while showering, I decided it was time for a cut. The emotional toll of having a hand-full of hair in my hands when I shampooed was just too much to deal with. With the support and courage of my big sis, we went down to Supercuts, propped open my latest People magazine to a shot of Anne Hathaway on the red carpet at the Golden Globes, and told the stylist to chop it off and make me look like doe-eyed Hathaway (OK, perhaps a stretch)! Why Supercuts? Because who wants to spend big bucks on a cut that would only last a few days! And I have to say, she did a pretty good job. I walked out with my very first pixie cut. My sister and I laughed when we both recalled the last time I had a short haircut. I was probably around 5 years old and was adamant to get the "Dorthy Hamill haircut". My mom and sister took me to get it chopped off. Back then I think my Mom was more upset about my short hair than I was!

So this weekend I've been able to enjoy a very short trial of "Pixie Niki". I think it's done a lot for my mental health, preparing me for tonight. I've had a weekend to absorb the shock of waking up and looking in the mirror to a short haired me. The hair loss continues to progress quickly - each light stroke of my hair results in hand-fulls of hair. Who knows how much, I can no longer count. I've been walking around the house with a lint brush, as I leave a trail of hair every step I take. Funny enough, I now sympathize with my dogs for their tri-annual shed-a-thon and have promised to not get irritated with them anymore, and to be more gentle with them as I brush out their shedding hair!

I've decided tonight is the night for a few reasons. First, my hair keeps falling off into the back of my shirt and it's itching me like crazy. Second, I prefer to not have to sweep up layers of hair off of the floor. As it is, I see hair on each step of my stairs and every chair in my house! Third, Thursday is Chemo day and I'm preparing for another week of feeling yucky with body aches and not having the strength to leave the house. I don't want to layer the yuckiness of my hair falling out on top of Chemo, so I need to do it before then. And last... I'm ready. I'm strong enough and it's time. I'll be fine. It's just hair after all, and it grows back (hopefully with some waves)!

The good news to all of this? The Chemo is working and I finally have proof! Again words of wisdom told to me by my wonderful husband who continues to help me see the positive. It's so very true, and has helped significantly in my coping. I actually think that if I didn't lose my hair, I might be a little worried that the Chemo wasn't strong enough!

Speaking of Chemo and physical appearances, last week I was able to enjoy a free class provided by the American Cancer Society called Look Good Feel Better. It's mission is to improve the self-esteem of cancer fighters by providing free make-up and hair styling classes. Not that I need another reason to justify my shopping habits, but why not... it makes me feel better! So my sister and I made the trek to the mall this weekend and I purchased a pretty rockin' Chemo outfit for this Thursday. I figure if I'm going to have to do it, I might as well do it in style (and comfort). And guess what? My pink "Suki" wig is going to look amazing with the outfit. So although I'm not looking forward to Chemo, I am looking forward to accessorizing my new bald head to match my new awesome outfit. I'll be sure to snap a photo and post it. Think "Flash Dance" meets "Harajuku Girl"!

Last, I leave you with a photo of me getting my hair cut this weekend, as well as the very brief pixie cut I rocked this weekend. And in a few short days I look forward to telling you I'm 50% done!

Paying it forward

Hi everyone, I'm back from the living dead! What an intense past week it's been, today is Saturday and I still feel some bone aches, but compared to where I was last weekend, I have absolutely nothing to complain about. I'm downstairs, I have make-up on, I have clothes besides PJ's on, and I'm feeling pretty darn OK to be me right now!

Thank you for your kind messages last week, they all helped me get through it. Each prayer, good wish, thoughts of love, positive ju-ju... however you are sending them to me, know that I am taking them and using them to help me get through this. That YOU are helping me.

First big question I'm sure you all have... do I still have hair? As of the moment I type this, my head is still fully covered with shoulder length black locks. I haven't noticed any drastic shedding, but according to the stories, it's time to face the music. I've heard everything from 10 days to the second round of chemo (21 days). Today is officially day 10.

Second big question... did I get nauseous? Nope! See... you're positive prayers did help me. Bone aches have definitely been the worst side effect to date.

Third big question... how are my boobs? Well, perhaps that wasn't on your list of questions, but I'm happy to report they are healing quite nicely. Well enough that this Wednesday I went in and was injected with 70 cc's of saline on each side. I had heard stories that the fills could be quite painful, but the good news is that although I felt some pressure and aches, nothing in the world could compare to the aches I felt after Chemo. Scars and no-nipples aside, they are beginning to look like boobs, and I am happy to report I'm already larger than I was before this whole journey (I know, I know... it wasn't going to take much saline to get to that point)!

So that's where I am to date. Feeling better, not bald and walking around with a bigger rack! Doesn't sound too bad, does it!?!?

Something that really hit me over the head this week, and I wanted to dedicate this blog post to, is the unwavering selflessness of the community of cancer fighters and survivors I've involuntarily joined. I had previously spoken about the "Chemo Buddy" I met last Thursday who so knowingly saw the fear on my face when I walked into the Chemo room and tried to derail my attention from the nurse as she was fussing over my IV. Through her guidance of the "best" Chemo chairs to her funny reference of our Oncologist as "The Wizard", she provided the distraction, laughter and support I needed at that very moment.

Although this week was hard, and perhaps these are the moments when most needed, I have met or spoken to others who have held out their hand to pull me through this. This past Monday I couldn't make it to Physical Therapy as I was feeling so horrible from Chemo. I think I've mentioned that PT has been one of my favorite forms of therapy during healing, I absolutely love stretching and seeing my range of motion change from 0-100 in a short period of time. In addition to the improvements on my body, my Physical Therapist is the most wonderful woman. I almost feel like I get a free dose of psychological therapy while she's stretching and massaging my arms. When I missed my appointment on Monday, she called me to check in and see how I was doing. She urged me to call one of her patients who underwent Chemo a year ago, someone who knew a lot of the "tricks of the trade" that could possibly help me. If you know me, you probably know I'm not necessarily one of those people who just pick up the phone and call random strangers. Some people have that "extrovert" gene where it's easy to do, but besides me not having that gene, I also like to handle things on my own. I take a lot on myself, I try not to ask for help until I'm overwhelmed. I finally "cold called" this woman yesterday. She was a wealth of knowledge and spent an hour on the phone with me - a complete stranger - sharing how she dealt with her side effects, how she felt when she lost her hair, recommended support groups that I hadn't heard of, remedies I might try that worked for her, and has offered to be there for any question I have - any time. She wants to meet up for lunch, and I am looking forward to meeting this wonderful angel in person. I honestly never ever thought such kindness existed. I've lived in a very "dog-eats-dog" world before this experience. I was raised to do so, it's part of why I've made it to where I am in my life. A life of absolutes - you get what you deserve, if you work hard you'll reap the benefits, only you can make things happen in your life - don't expect anyone else to help. What a wake-up call this has all been. What a learning experience. These 2 complete strangers have made me realize that this week I did not wave my hands in defeat to the Chemo. On the contrary, Chemo has made me stronger. But not just physically. Deep inside me I'm realizing that sometimes the very definition of being fierce and courageous is to admit that I need help and to take the hand of the person offering it.

Breast cancer will make me a better person, and I vow to pay it forward.

The ugly truth

Chemotherapy has certainly lived up to it's reputation for me. Today is literally the first day I am able to sit up in bed and conjure enough energy to give you an update on how I'm doing. Here's what I'll tell you, I feel like I have the flu multiplied by 10. My body aches so bad, I lay in bed wishing I could just fall asleep so I won't feel the pain.

It all started Friday afternoon. Surprisingly, the morning after Chemo I was feeling OK. I made it to Physical Therapy as well as back to the Oncologist for my Neulasta shot. According to my Doctors, it's the Neulasta that is causing my aches. Neulasta is a drug that helps increase my white blood count so I won't be at such a major risk for infection. Well, apparently it also causes such intense bone pain that I've almost been paralyzed to the bed. As I was dizzy with pain on Saturday night I started to realize just how fierce I'm going to have to be. Not just mentally fierce, but physically fierce. I have to fight - mind body and soul - and it's not going to be easy.

Not to dwell on this, but the thing thats killed me throughout this entire experience is the stories of the women who haven't been effected. I'm angry at the Doctors, books, articles, etc who have told me stories about the many women who don't feel any side effects, of the women who have managed to not miss one day at the gym during Chemotherapy. Who are these crazy women, and why did I get stuck with the short end of the stick? It's so unfair for me to judge myself next to these super heros, yet I do, and I somehow feel disappointed in myself for not being more like them. I felt the same way after my double M when I heard stories of women who went back to work after 2 weeks, whereas I laid in bed dosed up on pain meds 6 weeks after my surgery (yeah, I know, I had a second surgery which certainly delayed my healing). I can't help but to compare myself to these mythical creatures, and berate myself for not being more like them. I know it's not fair, and that every body is different and everyones symptoms are different, but perhaps for the overachievers like myself, Doctors can focus a little more on potential side effects so we don't all think we're losers for not feeling normal and healing as quick as we'd like.

Enough of my rant.

Besides the horrible aches, I've lost my taste buds, my mouth is sore and I have absolutely no energy. As the aches slow down each day, I start to realize the other side effects happening to my body.

Side effects aside... I continue to be grateful for the little nuggets of wisdom shared with me throughout this journey, this one from a wonderful Chemo Buddy I made on Thursday. I'm going to think small right now, think about NOW, be in the moment. I'm not going to focus on what I need to be 5 months from now, but I'm going to focus on making myself feel OK right now and getting through the rest of the day. And I'm going to try to be OK with that! I really am.