Paying it forward

Hi everyone, I'm back from the living dead! What an intense past week it's been, today is Saturday and I still feel some bone aches, but compared to where I was last weekend, I have absolutely nothing to complain about. I'm downstairs, I have make-up on, I have clothes besides PJ's on, and I'm feeling pretty darn OK to be me right now!

Thank you for your kind messages last week, they all helped me get through it. Each prayer, good wish, thoughts of love, positive ju-ju... however you are sending them to me, know that I am taking them and using them to help me get through this. That YOU are helping me.

First big question I'm sure you all have... do I still have hair? As of the moment I type this, my head is still fully covered with shoulder length black locks. I haven't noticed any drastic shedding, but according to the stories, it's time to face the music. I've heard everything from 10 days to the second round of chemo (21 days). Today is officially day 10.

Second big question... did I get nauseous? Nope! See... you're positive prayers did help me. Bone aches have definitely been the worst side effect to date.

Third big question... how are my boobs? Well, perhaps that wasn't on your list of questions, but I'm happy to report they are healing quite nicely. Well enough that this Wednesday I went in and was injected with 70 cc's of saline on each side. I had heard stories that the fills could be quite painful, but the good news is that although I felt some pressure and aches, nothing in the world could compare to the aches I felt after Chemo. Scars and no-nipples aside, they are beginning to look like boobs, and I am happy to report I'm already larger than I was before this whole journey (I know, I know... it wasn't going to take much saline to get to that point)!

So that's where I am to date. Feeling better, not bald and walking around with a bigger rack! Doesn't sound too bad, does it!?!?

Something that really hit me over the head this week, and I wanted to dedicate this blog post to, is the unwavering selflessness of the community of cancer fighters and survivors I've involuntarily joined. I had previously spoken about the "Chemo Buddy" I met last Thursday who so knowingly saw the fear on my face when I walked into the Chemo room and tried to derail my attention from the nurse as she was fussing over my IV. Through her guidance of the "best" Chemo chairs to her funny reference of our Oncologist as "The Wizard", she provided the distraction, laughter and support I needed at that very moment.

Although this week was hard, and perhaps these are the moments when most needed, I have met or spoken to others who have held out their hand to pull me through this. This past Monday I couldn't make it to Physical Therapy as I was feeling so horrible from Chemo. I think I've mentioned that PT has been one of my favorite forms of therapy during healing, I absolutely love stretching and seeing my range of motion change from 0-100 in a short period of time. In addition to the improvements on my body, my Physical Therapist is the most wonderful woman. I almost feel like I get a free dose of psychological therapy while she's stretching and massaging my arms. When I missed my appointment on Monday, she called me to check in and see how I was doing. She urged me to call one of her patients who underwent Chemo a year ago, someone who knew a lot of the "tricks of the trade" that could possibly help me. If you know me, you probably know I'm not necessarily one of those people who just pick up the phone and call random strangers. Some people have that "extrovert" gene where it's easy to do, but besides me not having that gene, I also like to handle things on my own. I take a lot on myself, I try not to ask for help until I'm overwhelmed. I finally "cold called" this woman yesterday. She was a wealth of knowledge and spent an hour on the phone with me - a complete stranger - sharing how she dealt with her side effects, how she felt when she lost her hair, recommended support groups that I hadn't heard of, remedies I might try that worked for her, and has offered to be there for any question I have - any time. She wants to meet up for lunch, and I am looking forward to meeting this wonderful angel in person. I honestly never ever thought such kindness existed. I've lived in a very "dog-eats-dog" world before this experience. I was raised to do so, it's part of why I've made it to where I am in my life. A life of absolutes - you get what you deserve, if you work hard you'll reap the benefits, only you can make things happen in your life - don't expect anyone else to help. What a wake-up call this has all been. What a learning experience. These 2 complete strangers have made me realize that this week I did not wave my hands in defeat to the Chemo. On the contrary, Chemo has made me stronger. But not just physically. Deep inside me I'm realizing that sometimes the very definition of being fierce and courageous is to admit that I need help and to take the hand of the person offering it.

Breast cancer will make me a better person, and I vow to pay it forward.