December 3rd signifies different things to different people. For Julianne Moore and Amanda Seyfried, it commemorates the day they were brought into this world. Through a quick Wikipedia search I learned that the very first heart transplant was performed on a human on December 3, 1967 and that the very first text message was sent by an Engineer on December 3, 1992. December 3 signifies many things, and I'm sure before 2012, it would have marked just another ordinary day for me. But December 3, 2012 will now forever have a place in my history as the day I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was the first time I heard the words "you have cancer" directed at me... into my existence, into my reality.
2 years ago I remember waking up thinking it was a normal work day, tired from the weekend and irritated that I had to trek down to Torrance for an appointment to hear the results of a biopsy I was 99% sure would be normal. I remember dragging Jon with me, promising him it would be quick and that I was sorry he had to go with me (as they make you bring someone with you to hear the results, "just in case"). Little did I know that it was the calm before the storm, that it was the day my life would turn inside out. To this day I still wonder if they insisted I bring someone with me because they already knew. I have a copy of my pathology report from an ultrasound conducted before the biopsy, a good two weeks before the diagnosis. On it it reads "ASSESSMENT: Highly suggestive of malignancy". Thanks docs... perhaps you didn't want to ruin my Thanksgiving. And for those wondering... NO they didn't give me the pathology report before my diagnosis. It was something I received only after personally requesting it, and well after I was undergoing treatment.
No matter what, I am so incredibly thankful they found it when they did. Before it got too large, before it spread to my lymph nodes. And I am so grateful that I am here with you today, cancer-free and with a whole new perspective on life, priorities and on never taking for granted the amazing things we are blessed with.
So I raise a little virtual glass honoring this 2 year anniversary of fighting for my life, learning who I am, taking care of my mind/body/spirit, and becoming a stronger person through it all.
#IWillBeFierce and #IAmUnbroken
My personal journey through breast cancer.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Recovery
Recovery... besides the surgery itself, this is one of the least pleasant parts of battling breast cancer. Since this is now my 5th recovery from surgery, I feel like I'm quite the expert in the art of it. Yet I never remember how bad it is until I'm actually doing it.
I will say, this time has been much better than previous surgeries. The pain is manageable, a term I probably wouldn't have used in previous surgeries as I was agonizing over waiting a full 4 hours to take my next pill. The discomfort this time is mainly in my thighs, where they pulled fat for my breasts, as well as in my upper groin, where they removed skin to do the graft for my nipples. At this point, a little over the 2 week mark, I'm slowly trying to wean myself off of the pain meds and I'm eager to feel complete again... especially as I read my previous post where I was feeling so wonderful and healthy from being back on the exercise train and confident enough to partake in daily routines such as errands and meeting friends without any fears.
The fears are back, but I hope for only a short period. I'm back to gingerly walking around the house, trying not to raise my heart rate (whatever that means!), and declining activities such as meeting at restaurants to watch the games for fear of being bumped into by rowdy people or tearing a suture that needs more healing. I'm doing the t-rex thing, trying not to lift my arms. I challenge all of you to do this for 24 hours! You don't realize how much you need your range for every little movement you make. I'm back to sleeping on my back for 6 weeks, a position I detest as it causes havoc to my lower back. And I'm a walking mummy completely wrapped up in surgical tape and gauze, plus an extremely unpleasant lower garment that is much like the tightest pair of spanx you've ever worn, with a hole for the daily rituals I don't need to describe. My husband has resumed his caretaking role as my pill monitor, bathing nurse and suture/gauze replacer. And my life basically seems to be on hold until I'm back to feeling better.
I do know I'm slowly starting to feel better because I start to look around the house, nitpicking at little things I need to do. I've managed to do a little spring cleaning of my drawers, piling up 4 big bags of items to give away to Good Will. And I'm getting a little stir crazy, craving company, earning to be outdoors, missing my attempts at cooking, and aching for some good old fashion cardio to get my blood pumping!
The day of the surgery was a bit of an experience for me. As my first late afternoon surgery, I didn't get wheeled into the operating room until around 5:30pm. When I woke up from the anesthesia, the nurses who treated me had no compassion for what I just went through, and for the first time after 5 surgeries, I am filing a complaint based on the treatment I received in the recovery room. All that said, my nipples are looking pretty good, the skin graft site seems to be healing without infection, and my thighs simply feel like I had a really intense day of exercise which is a "good pain" that I gladly welcome.
Nothing much more to report... I'm recuperating and hoping for a complete and full recovery in a few short weeks!
I will say, this time has been much better than previous surgeries. The pain is manageable, a term I probably wouldn't have used in previous surgeries as I was agonizing over waiting a full 4 hours to take my next pill. The discomfort this time is mainly in my thighs, where they pulled fat for my breasts, as well as in my upper groin, where they removed skin to do the graft for my nipples. At this point, a little over the 2 week mark, I'm slowly trying to wean myself off of the pain meds and I'm eager to feel complete again... especially as I read my previous post where I was feeling so wonderful and healthy from being back on the exercise train and confident enough to partake in daily routines such as errands and meeting friends without any fears.
The fears are back, but I hope for only a short period. I'm back to gingerly walking around the house, trying not to raise my heart rate (whatever that means!), and declining activities such as meeting at restaurants to watch the games for fear of being bumped into by rowdy people or tearing a suture that needs more healing. I'm doing the t-rex thing, trying not to lift my arms. I challenge all of you to do this for 24 hours! You don't realize how much you need your range for every little movement you make. I'm back to sleeping on my back for 6 weeks, a position I detest as it causes havoc to my lower back. And I'm a walking mummy completely wrapped up in surgical tape and gauze, plus an extremely unpleasant lower garment that is much like the tightest pair of spanx you've ever worn, with a hole for the daily rituals I don't need to describe. My husband has resumed his caretaking role as my pill monitor, bathing nurse and suture/gauze replacer. And my life basically seems to be on hold until I'm back to feeling better.
I do know I'm slowly starting to feel better because I start to look around the house, nitpicking at little things I need to do. I've managed to do a little spring cleaning of my drawers, piling up 4 big bags of items to give away to Good Will. And I'm getting a little stir crazy, craving company, earning to be outdoors, missing my attempts at cooking, and aching for some good old fashion cardio to get my blood pumping!
The day of the surgery was a bit of an experience for me. As my first late afternoon surgery, I didn't get wheeled into the operating room until around 5:30pm. When I woke up from the anesthesia, the nurses who treated me had no compassion for what I just went through, and for the first time after 5 surgeries, I am filing a complaint based on the treatment I received in the recovery room. All that said, my nipples are looking pretty good, the skin graft site seems to be healing without infection, and my thighs simply feel like I had a really intense day of exercise which is a "good pain" that I gladly welcome.
Nothing much more to report... I'm recuperating and hoping for a complete and full recovery in a few short weeks!
Monday, June 16, 2014
Surgery V
June 17th is officially here... my 5th surgery after one life-altering diagnosis that created a fury of events. I am both elated and bewildered that my mind and body have survived 4 surgeries, 4 rounds of chemo, 4 rounds of Neulasta, 4 sets of breasts, 1 MRI, 1 biopsy and 1 mammogram in only a year and a half. I can't tell you how I've done it, I can only celebrate that I'm here.
Tomorrow I get my nipples. Just typing that sentence makes me laugh. Like "nipples" are equivalent to a new purse I've been eyeing in the store for months. Perhaps they are equivalent, for they will serve no functional purpose for my body. But in those 2 little body parts that all of us are born with, getting them back symbolizes so much more than I can begin to explain. If you know me, you know I'm the kind of person that finishes a job. I don't like loose ends, I don't condone incompletion. If I commit to something, I take it to the end. And that's what these nipples represent... a "complete me". Back in December of 2012, when I was meeting with Plastic Surgeons, I remember mentally charting out the reconstruction steps I would be taking. The nipples were always at the end, the last surgery of what seemed like a lifetime of steps in my battle against breast cancer. Getting rid of the cancer was always the #1 priority, but I recognized from the start that what I was about to go through would hit me deeper than the cancer itself. As a woman, breasts have always defined femininity to me. Taking them away meant loosing a part of me that defined who I was. So here I am, on the eve of getting back the last part of me that cancer took away.
Over the past few months I've learned so much about life. I travelled to China and Thailand, experiencing cultures, cuisines, languages and lifestyles I knew very little about. In China I walked the streets of Shanghai with my sister, amazed by the endless skyscrapers, the bustling streets and the busy markets. In Thailand my friend Carla and I fed baby tigers, got bucked off an elephant, got $8 daily massages, and relaxed in bright blue waters warmer than any Hawaiian tide I've ever felt. Upon returning home, Jon and I planned a road trip in less than 48 hours and hopped in the car taking us north through Big Sur, Santa Cruz, San Francisco, Trinidad, Willamette Valley and ending in Portland. We were able to see my family in Northern California, and also made a trip to see Jon's family in Indiana where we fished, went to a Pacers game and rode quads. We went to Las Vegas where to my surprise I made some serious money on the "Let It Ride" tables, and ate at some of my favorite celebrity chef's restaurants. I finally got back on the exercise train after over 1 year of not working out, and quickly remembered how restorative exercise is for both the mind and the body. I celebrated my 39th birthday with the best friends I could ever ask for. Just yesterday my friends and I ran a 5k on the sands of Manhattan Beach, toasting our victory over bloody Mary's and a delicious home cooked "British Breakfast". I've finally had the time to meet up with friends, old and new, for lunches and dinners. And I've watched in awe as one of my good friends has transformed into the most amazing Mom of a beautiful baby boy, and another one is due in one short month.
For all of this I am truly happy. So I head into tomorrows surgery with a lot of hope and optimism for what's in store for me next. (Just don't fault me if I have a few weak moments of pity during my recovery!)
More to come post-surgery... meanwhile here's some memories of the last few months.
Tomorrow I get my nipples. Just typing that sentence makes me laugh. Like "nipples" are equivalent to a new purse I've been eyeing in the store for months. Perhaps they are equivalent, for they will serve no functional purpose for my body. But in those 2 little body parts that all of us are born with, getting them back symbolizes so much more than I can begin to explain. If you know me, you know I'm the kind of person that finishes a job. I don't like loose ends, I don't condone incompletion. If I commit to something, I take it to the end. And that's what these nipples represent... a "complete me". Back in December of 2012, when I was meeting with Plastic Surgeons, I remember mentally charting out the reconstruction steps I would be taking. The nipples were always at the end, the last surgery of what seemed like a lifetime of steps in my battle against breast cancer. Getting rid of the cancer was always the #1 priority, but I recognized from the start that what I was about to go through would hit me deeper than the cancer itself. As a woman, breasts have always defined femininity to me. Taking them away meant loosing a part of me that defined who I was. So here I am, on the eve of getting back the last part of me that cancer took away.
Over the past few months I've learned so much about life. I travelled to China and Thailand, experiencing cultures, cuisines, languages and lifestyles I knew very little about. In China I walked the streets of Shanghai with my sister, amazed by the endless skyscrapers, the bustling streets and the busy markets. In Thailand my friend Carla and I fed baby tigers, got bucked off an elephant, got $8 daily massages, and relaxed in bright blue waters warmer than any Hawaiian tide I've ever felt. Upon returning home, Jon and I planned a road trip in less than 48 hours and hopped in the car taking us north through Big Sur, Santa Cruz, San Francisco, Trinidad, Willamette Valley and ending in Portland. We were able to see my family in Northern California, and also made a trip to see Jon's family in Indiana where we fished, went to a Pacers game and rode quads. We went to Las Vegas where to my surprise I made some serious money on the "Let It Ride" tables, and ate at some of my favorite celebrity chef's restaurants. I finally got back on the exercise train after over 1 year of not working out, and quickly remembered how restorative exercise is for both the mind and the body. I celebrated my 39th birthday with the best friends I could ever ask for. Just yesterday my friends and I ran a 5k on the sands of Manhattan Beach, toasting our victory over bloody Mary's and a delicious home cooked "British Breakfast". I've finally had the time to meet up with friends, old and new, for lunches and dinners. And I've watched in awe as one of my good friends has transformed into the most amazing Mom of a beautiful baby boy, and another one is due in one short month.
For all of this I am truly happy. So I head into tomorrows surgery with a lot of hope and optimism for what's in store for me next. (Just don't fault me if I have a few weak moments of pity during my recovery!)
More to come post-surgery... meanwhile here's some memories of the last few months.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Bittersweet Changes
It's been awhile since I last posted. The last 3 months flew by so quickly, I find myself retracing all the memories I forgot to cherish.
First off, the implant surgery was very successful. Two new B/C-sized packets of silicon have happily settled into their new home of my chest. Given this was the 4th surgery on my breasts, I find I've become a bit of an expert, albeit not by choice or gratitude. I went through the standard 2 weeks with drains, 6 weeks of limiting arm range, 8 weeks of constricting bras and itchy tape, and the ups and downs of starting and stopping all the different forms of pain meds. How do I feel about them? Immediately after surgery I would look at them, all bandaged up, and honestly... I just wasn't sure. In my mind I thought I'd walk out of the surgery with boobs like the ones I had picked out in the "binder of boobs" at my doctors office. I was immediately looking for the subtle slopes, the soft lines, the adjustable cleavage and the doughy plumpness of real breasts. Instead I got hard silicon balls that resembled the expanders I had lived with for the past year. The doctor has promised they will soften over time, so I'm still waiting for my doughy breasts. In addition, my skin and chest are so thin, you can make out the ripple lines from the implants. Apparently if I put on a few pounds, it should help to soften that out. Or I can choose to do a fat transfer, which would be an additional surgery on top of the one I already have scheduled to get my nipples created. I'm honestly beginning to think the anesthesia is taking a toll on my mind, so I am very hesitant about adding another surgery to my schedule this year. Perhaps I'll just dive into the pizza... sounds a lot easier and fun! I'm still a bit tender up top, but given all the surgeries I've had this year, I'm assuming that's to be expected.
In the midst of all my health issues, I've been dealing with some changes on the career front. After 5 1/2 years at my company, we underwent a merger resulting in the reduction of positions for myself and many of my colleagues. The crazy thing about life is, you take for granted things you feel are constants in your life such as health and career. Yet these are the gifts we should give thanks for each and every day. We don't have to lose them in order to be grateful for them. So after 5 1/2 years at my company, I find myself starting a new chapter in my life. It's a bittersweet change for me. As with everything in life, when something comes to an end, it's a bit sad. Change is scary, and routine can be very comfortable. But sometimes we need a little push, and I accept that things happen for a reason, and that all the obstacles I've faced over the past year are challenging me to be a better, stronger person. A person who enjoys life, who appreciates the gift of friendship, love, health, self-worth. A person who finally does stop to smell the roses, instead of focusing on how to get more to grow.
Ironically I met a holistic healer a few weeks ago, thanks to my wonderful friend Michelle. This healer read my star chart and shared with me that this year "Uranus Transits Conjunct Ascendant". Apparently this only happens once in a lifetime for people, and this is my year. Here's some of the changes that occur during this time: "You will have a tremendous need for liberation. Whatever you consider to be liberating for you, you will seek to achieve it now. A time that can mean great change for you personally, during which you break away from the past and try new and different ways of presenting yourself. This period of time will be highly energetic and stimulating, as well as quite surprising. You’re ready to break free from restrictions that have prevented you from expressing yourself to other people. During this time, you’ll reclaim your individuality and it will be much more difficult to conform to the expectations of other people."
I can't stop thinking how apropos this all is. It's in the stars, and I'm beginning to see how powerful that is.
So I start my new journey on a fresh slate. I have scheduled a little trip to China and Thailand to see a new part of the world I've always been curious about. I'm meeting up with my sister in Shanghai, and my friend Carla in Bangkok. I can't wait to experience the cultures, the food, and the beauty of a different land. I look forward to sharing more on my travels with you in the coming month. And in the meantime, this chapter is officially over and I'm excited to start writing my next one.
First off, the implant surgery was very successful. Two new B/C-sized packets of silicon have happily settled into their new home of my chest. Given this was the 4th surgery on my breasts, I find I've become a bit of an expert, albeit not by choice or gratitude. I went through the standard 2 weeks with drains, 6 weeks of limiting arm range, 8 weeks of constricting bras and itchy tape, and the ups and downs of starting and stopping all the different forms of pain meds. How do I feel about them? Immediately after surgery I would look at them, all bandaged up, and honestly... I just wasn't sure. In my mind I thought I'd walk out of the surgery with boobs like the ones I had picked out in the "binder of boobs" at my doctors office. I was immediately looking for the subtle slopes, the soft lines, the adjustable cleavage and the doughy plumpness of real breasts. Instead I got hard silicon balls that resembled the expanders I had lived with for the past year. The doctor has promised they will soften over time, so I'm still waiting for my doughy breasts. In addition, my skin and chest are so thin, you can make out the ripple lines from the implants. Apparently if I put on a few pounds, it should help to soften that out. Or I can choose to do a fat transfer, which would be an additional surgery on top of the one I already have scheduled to get my nipples created. I'm honestly beginning to think the anesthesia is taking a toll on my mind, so I am very hesitant about adding another surgery to my schedule this year. Perhaps I'll just dive into the pizza... sounds a lot easier and fun! I'm still a bit tender up top, but given all the surgeries I've had this year, I'm assuming that's to be expected.
In the midst of all my health issues, I've been dealing with some changes on the career front. After 5 1/2 years at my company, we underwent a merger resulting in the reduction of positions for myself and many of my colleagues. The crazy thing about life is, you take for granted things you feel are constants in your life such as health and career. Yet these are the gifts we should give thanks for each and every day. We don't have to lose them in order to be grateful for them. So after 5 1/2 years at my company, I find myself starting a new chapter in my life. It's a bittersweet change for me. As with everything in life, when something comes to an end, it's a bit sad. Change is scary, and routine can be very comfortable. But sometimes we need a little push, and I accept that things happen for a reason, and that all the obstacles I've faced over the past year are challenging me to be a better, stronger person. A person who enjoys life, who appreciates the gift of friendship, love, health, self-worth. A person who finally does stop to smell the roses, instead of focusing on how to get more to grow.
Ironically I met a holistic healer a few weeks ago, thanks to my wonderful friend Michelle. This healer read my star chart and shared with me that this year "Uranus Transits Conjunct Ascendant". Apparently this only happens once in a lifetime for people, and this is my year. Here's some of the changes that occur during this time: "You will have a tremendous need for liberation. Whatever you consider to be liberating for you, you will seek to achieve it now. A time that can mean great change for you personally, during which you break away from the past and try new and different ways of presenting yourself. This period of time will be highly energetic and stimulating, as well as quite surprising. You’re ready to break free from restrictions that have prevented you from expressing yourself to other people. During this time, you’ll reclaim your individuality and it will be much more difficult to conform to the expectations of other people."
I can't stop thinking how apropos this all is. It's in the stars, and I'm beginning to see how powerful that is.
So I start my new journey on a fresh slate. I have scheduled a little trip to China and Thailand to see a new part of the world I've always been curious about. I'm meeting up with my sister in Shanghai, and my friend Carla in Bangkok. I can't wait to experience the cultures, the food, and the beauty of a different land. I look forward to sharing more on my travels with you in the coming month. And in the meantime, this chapter is officially over and I'm excited to start writing my next one.
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