The Aftermath

Hurray, I'm officially past the one week mark of my final chemo treatment. The week has been what I'd call "standard", with Friday, Saturday and Sunday being the worst. Those are the days that I literally lay on the couch or bed trying to find a comfortable position. The pain is so difficult to explain, it's like a combination of flu aches with a complete loss of energy and mental interest in anything. These are the days where I just don't want to see, talk or hear from anyone or anything. There is a small bubble of reality in my mind which makes me realize it's the weekend and I should enjoy having my husband home from work all day. But I can't enjoy it, so it makes me sad.

The good news is that I'm past that! This is the week where I slowly start recovering from chemo. Where other side effects become more evident because my body isn't completely shut down. I've written about most of the side effects, but some new ones have started to appear or old ones are more pronounced... probably part of the "cumulative" thing. First are all the side effects that come from premature menopause, with the most apparent one being the hot flashes and night sweats. If you know me, you know I'm always cold. I walk around the office with a blanket, I walk around the house with a vest, I rub my cold feet against my husbands warm legs in bed (a habit he absolutely hates!), I run to the store during a night out with friends to purchase a new sweatshirt (yes, always an excuse to shop!). I'm the cold one, I've always been! I wasn't prepared for such a drastic change in body temperature. These hot flashes are the strangest things, and they appear for no reason and with no warning. I'm experiencing around 10 a day, and it feels like a sudden internal fire has abrupted inside and quickly starts to spread outward towards my skin. I immediately throw off my sweatshirt, pull off my cap or bandana and watch as my body starts to perspire for no apparent reason. If I can make my way to the backyard to cool off in our 50 degree ocean breeze, I immediately do so. My biggest sympathies for all the menopausal women who deal with this. I won't know for at least 6 months whether I will be 100% in menopause. Although being this young and already in menopause breaks my heart, there's a part of me that feels like if I have to do this, let's only do it once!

Another side effect that seems more pronounced is the loss in taste buds and this constant horrible taste in my mouth. Many have described it as a metal taste. But when I hear metal, I think of the taste of blood, which in all honesty would be a much better taste than what it is. It's more like my teeth have a constant grip on a piece of aluminum foil. The hard thing about this is that the chemo in general has made my appetite slim to none. Doctors orders are to eat and drink, with water being a very important part of my healing. When I first started I thought the 64 oz of water per day prescription would be a piece of cake. I've always loved water, I could easily drink gallons a day and never understood people who didn't like water. Guess what? I hate water now. Water just amplifies the aluminum taste in my mouth. So trying to drink 64 oz per day is like torture. I've started cheating with Vitamin Waters and Orange Pellegrinos... those seem to go down a little easier. But in general, my body just doesn't want to eat or drink right now. The food it does want is definitely a complete 180 from my previous diet. I crave meat! And not filets, but the good juicy tasty sirloin cuts, tri-tips or hamburgers. Plus bring on anything super salty or super sweet. Kraft mac & cheese is divine, pizza is heaven and strawberries with doses of sugar is delectable. Thankfully my doctor prioritizes eating over anything, even if it means putting processed and non-organic foods into my system. The goal now is to get through chemo with energy (food = energy), I can focus on a healthier diet once I get out of the deep end.

What else? My nails have started to get really sensitive and are slowly turning purple. I don't think I'm going to lose them, although I've been watching them closely. And I'm still experiencing the rashes that started last time, so I've been popping Benadryl's each night to keep the itchiness under control.

If all goes well, I'll be able to slowly start back to my normal routine at the end of the month/top of June. Although my Doctor feels it's a little pre-mature, he understands I've put my life on hold for 6 months and I need to make sure the things that have taken a back seat are attended to. The one thing he's concerned with is what he calls a very typical "PTSD" that cancer patients often battle with once the chemo is complete. It's definitely something that's been on my mind since rounding chemo 3, and I'm scared for it, but as with everything I've dealt with... there's nothing to do but face it and deal with it when it happens.

So that's my latest update. If the last 2 chemos are similar to this one, I'll hit a fatigue wall today or tomorrow which I believe is a side effect of the steroids completely leaving my body. But my appetite should start to pick up, and hopefully my taste buds will eventually come back to normal. Or perhaps they will completely change and one day I'll enjoy things I used to hate like blue cheese, tomatoes and cilantro!

Thank you for all the congratulatory notes. Your love continues to push me forward. It's still hard for me to believe I've battled breast cancer, 2 surgeries and chemotherapy... but you'd be amazed at what your mind and body can accomplish when put to the test. Treat it right, pat yourself on the back for everything it has given you to date, and make sure to listen to it when it's trying to tell you something. After all it's given you, it deserves to be heard!