I can see it, my last chemo is right around the corner! Wednesday May 1st will mark my final (knock on wood) chemo infusion. I am elated, excited, anxious and scared all at the same time.
Part of me can't believe how fast this has gone by. It feels like only yesterday when I went to Torrance Memorial and heard the results of my pathology report. I can still feel the sinking of my heart and still see the look on Jon's eyes as we both stared in disbelief, listening to words we didn't understand like "invasive ductal carcinoma" and "Ki-67 levels". I remember how much I prayed back then to not have to undergo chemo. There were so many unanswered questions back in December, and so much to learn about this disease. I remember burying myself in books, internet forums, doctors appointments - trying to grasp and take control of something I knew I had very little control of.
The other part of me feels like I've been to hell and back since December. I won't ever forget how hard it was to lose complete control of myself - to be 100% dependent on others. There was a time when I had to get spoon fed by my Mom for the first time since I was a baby. A time when I lay in bed literally 24-hours a day, not even able to shower on my own. I still can't believe I was so incapacitated that I'd have to sit on a stool and have Jon sponge me down with hot water and soap. I remember finding out I had to go through chemo, worrying about losing my hair and thinking that perhaps there was a chance I wouldn't lose it. I remember laying in bed wondering why my skin wasn't healing from my first surgery, then finding out that I had to undergo a second surgery to remove the nipples I so desperately wanted to keep. I remember going to chemo for the very first time, scared out of my mind for the unknown and meeting a wonderful woman who helped to distract and ease my mind from the medicine pumping through my IV. So although this experience has gone by fast, it also feels like it's been a decade. And here I am, 3 days away from my last infusion!
So what's next? First (and priority #1 for me), getting through the last chemo. My body has reacted differently each time, so I'm focused on keeping my body and mind strong to make it through. After that, I'm honestly not quite sure. You'd think with as much as they've researched this disease there would be a test where they could confirm I have no rogue cancer cells in my body, that the chemo did it's job and I'm cancer free. Unfortunately there's no such thing. I have to trust in my doctors and the treatment I underwent, to listen to my body if something doesn't seem to be right, and to prioritize my health and get check-ups when needed. I'm thankful I will have an even more watchful eye on me now, that tests and ailments will be scrutinized even more closely to ensure nothing has come back. I'll also be able to dedicate my focus on the cosmetic part of my treatment. My skin continues to be rather thin, so my Plastic Surgeon is keeping a watchful eye on it to ensure the skin doesn't die. Assuming the healing goes well, I'm scheduled for a third surgery to get implants in August. After that I'll get one more surgery where she'll make the nipples, and the very last thing will be some "tatooing" where they add the color into the nipples.
So although I still have some hurdles ahead of me, I can see the light and it's glorifying and terrifying at the same time! I'm slowly starting to mentally prepare myself for the real world, to step outside the comfort of this world I've created over the last 6 months. I find myself telling myself to remember the lessons I've learned from this, to never forget how precious this life is. To remember how much it meant to me when complete strangers lent a selfless hand to me, to remember how strong it made me when friends and family sent a simple "get well" card to help me through the day, to remember how blessed I am to have an amazing husband, dogs, family, friends, career, house... everything that makes me so happy each and every day.
Thank YOU for reading my blog. For keeping me strong, for keeping me honest and for helping me share my story. This journey won't ever be over, but one of the hardest parts is about to be!
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