The ugly truth

Chemotherapy has certainly lived up to it's reputation for me. Today is literally the first day I am able to sit up in bed and conjure enough energy to give you an update on how I'm doing. Here's what I'll tell you, I feel like I have the flu multiplied by 10. My body aches so bad, I lay in bed wishing I could just fall asleep so I won't feel the pain.

It all started Friday afternoon. Surprisingly, the morning after Chemo I was feeling OK. I made it to Physical Therapy as well as back to the Oncologist for my Neulasta shot. According to my Doctors, it's the Neulasta that is causing my aches. Neulasta is a drug that helps increase my white blood count so I won't be at such a major risk for infection. Well, apparently it also causes such intense bone pain that I've almost been paralyzed to the bed. As I was dizzy with pain on Saturday night I started to realize just how fierce I'm going to have to be. Not just mentally fierce, but physically fierce. I have to fight - mind body and soul - and it's not going to be easy.

Not to dwell on this, but the thing thats killed me throughout this entire experience is the stories of the women who haven't been effected. I'm angry at the Doctors, books, articles, etc who have told me stories about the many women who don't feel any side effects, of the women who have managed to not miss one day at the gym during Chemotherapy. Who are these crazy women, and why did I get stuck with the short end of the stick? It's so unfair for me to judge myself next to these super heros, yet I do, and I somehow feel disappointed in myself for not being more like them. I felt the same way after my double M when I heard stories of women who went back to work after 2 weeks, whereas I laid in bed dosed up on pain meds 6 weeks after my surgery (yeah, I know, I had a second surgery which certainly delayed my healing). I can't help but to compare myself to these mythical creatures, and berate myself for not being more like them. I know it's not fair, and that every body is different and everyones symptoms are different, but perhaps for the overachievers like myself, Doctors can focus a little more on potential side effects so we don't all think we're losers for not feeling normal and healing as quick as we'd like.

Enough of my rant.

Besides the horrible aches, I've lost my taste buds, my mouth is sore and I have absolutely no energy. As the aches slow down each day, I start to realize the other side effects happening to my body.

Side effects aside... I continue to be grateful for the little nuggets of wisdom shared with me throughout this journey, this one from a wonderful Chemo Buddy I made on Thursday. I'm going to think small right now, think about NOW, be in the moment. I'm not going to focus on what I need to be 5 months from now, but I'm going to focus on making myself feel OK right now and getting through the rest of the day. And I'm going to try to be OK with that! I really am.