Another week of waiting unfortunately. Yesterday my Plastic Surgeon confirmed my skin needs an extra week of healing which means Chemotherapy will be postponed another week. I'm close, just not there yet - which is beginning to sound like the story of my life right now! I'm not exactly "excited" to start Chemotherapy, but as the horror stories and urban legends have us believe, I'm very nervous about it as I don't know how I'll react. My Chemotherapy 2-hour lesson was so overwhelming for me - from the potential side effects to the strict regiment of drugs I'll need to be on - I feel like the only way I can get over this anxiety is to just get it started. I guess I should be thankful to have another week of feeling 50% myself (instead of perhaps 10% myself once I start Chemotherapy) - and trying to adopt a "glass half full" mentality, I'll keep telling myself that all week. But I'm just so nervous about it, the waiting is beginning to tear me apart.
Chemo aside, this past weekend my very special friends took me wig shopping and I came home with 4 new sassy looks. I'm not going to post photos, I'll let you imagine what they are. But we have named them... "Roxy", "Niki", "Suki" and "Crystal", and they will all be making appearances once I lose my hair. I'm sure the collection will continue to grow, as I can't really shop for clothes right now, so wigs have become my new accessory of choice!
I am thrilled with the new photos being posted to Instagram! Thanks again for your support and love.
My personal journey through breast cancer.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Friday, February 15, 2013
Hi, my name is Nicole, and I have breast cancer.
Since November, I can say I've had a lot of "firsts" in my life. My first mammogram, my first breast biopsy, my first diagnosis of cancer, my first time being out of work for more than 2 weeks, my first time (since I can remember at least) of not being 100% self sufficient, my first time of not being in control of a situation (or at least pretending to be). Today I tried another first, something I never thought would be on my list of "firsts", but cancer has seemed to find a way of adding unexpected "firsts" to my list. Today I joined a cancer support group. I italicize joined, because I'm not quite sure I'll be a member yet... but I did take the first step and attended a "Welcome Meeting" and signed up for a "Newly Diagnosed With Breast Cancer" weekly group session.
First, I am so very thankful there are organizations like this out there. That people realize the importance of bringing people together who can share and talk about similar experiences, help each other cope and provide personal stories or sounding boards for going through a life-changing diagnosis like cancer. All groups and meetings are free of charge, and they even have a library of books where people can check-out via "honor system" and dive into research, statistics, stories and more from others who are experts or are going through whatever form of cancer they may have. They've partnered with gyms like Spectrum where I can take free Zumba classes (yay!) and at their own facility they have yoga, meditation, tai chi and other classes that I may test out when my body is ready.
All that said, the place is in dire need of a face lift! I guess I can't complain when everything there is likely donated or provided via the wonderful angels of the world who give money to support non-profits like these. But I definitely felt like I took a time machine back to the 1970's when shag carpets were big and olive green upholstery was the "in" color of the season. I had to force myself with all self restraint to not lose myself in a laughing fit when they turned on the "welcome" DVD and a lady, Farrah Fawcett haircut and all, started speaking in the softest of tones with cheesy public domain elevator music playing in the background. After she spoke about how we all deal with these difficult times differently and that she helped start this community to support those with cancer, the director proceeded to interview others from the 1970's who either looked like they were 70 years old or were on their death beds. Now, come on! Do you really think we want to see people who look like hell and listen to people who are talking to us like we're babies? Time to update this welcome video! Working in the Entertainment Industry, perhaps there's a filmmaker or even upcoming film student reading this who can take a whack at it! I can help write the script, and it probably would start like this... "OK, you have cancer. Scream it out loud, tell it you hate it, imagine yourself killing those ugly little cells, cry if you need to, take the time to grieve, and now get into action and start learning everything you can about what you've been diagnosed with so you can kick this in the ass!" Then I'd find people, young and old (from our current decade), to interview and tell stories about how this community has helped them, survivors included!
All said, we'll see how the actual "support group" session goes. I'm not giving up, I'll try it and see if it's for me. I'm looking forward to meeting others who have breast cancer, and I'm curious to hear their stories. If it's not for me, then I'll keep looking for other ways!
Speaking of therapy, I have my second physical therapy appointment today. This is one form of therapy I absolutely love. I can't tell you how wonderful it's been to feel a little more mobile and not be scared to lift my arm too high or to reach over to my bedside table to grab a glass of water without needing the help of Jon. I've been doing my daily exercises with full enthusiasm, and I feel like I'm getting more flexible each day. I also have to say I've missed that "good pain" you get when you've exerted your muscles to their maximum. Although when the therapist stretches me, it definitely hurts, I welcome that hurt as I've missed it. Laying in bed all day after being a regular spin addict has not been an easy thing for me to do. I also think, given my personality, physical therapy helps me get one more step closer to complete control of myself. It hasn't been easy for me to rely on others (although I have done so, and have very much welcomed it and am thankful for it!). I feel like it's helping me take small steps towards controlling my body and my ability to be completely self sufficient again.
Therapy aside, the upcoming week is a big one. I'm excited to start my wig shopping tomorrow as I will be tentatively starting Chemotherapy on Thursday. I am scheduled to see my Plastic Surgeon on Tuesday where she can confirm whether I am fully healed so I can start on Thursday. If not, we'll have to push it out one week. Chemotherapy starts a whole new phase in my treatment. I walked out of my Chemo Lesson this week completely overwhelmed with new information, prescriptions, side effects and a very long "to-do" list of things I need to get done before or during. I have no idea how I'll feel, but between the steroids they pump me up with before/after, the drugs they'll drip into my IV to kill "fast growing cells", and the shot I take the next day to avoid white blood cell drop, I know my body is about to go into the next stage of war against cancer. I'm ready for it, as I always promised, I'll kick this cancers ass and I'm moving on to phase 2 of doing just that!
First, I am so very thankful there are organizations like this out there. That people realize the importance of bringing people together who can share and talk about similar experiences, help each other cope and provide personal stories or sounding boards for going through a life-changing diagnosis like cancer. All groups and meetings are free of charge, and they even have a library of books where people can check-out via "honor system" and dive into research, statistics, stories and more from others who are experts or are going through whatever form of cancer they may have. They've partnered with gyms like Spectrum where I can take free Zumba classes (yay!) and at their own facility they have yoga, meditation, tai chi and other classes that I may test out when my body is ready.
All that said, the place is in dire need of a face lift! I guess I can't complain when everything there is likely donated or provided via the wonderful angels of the world who give money to support non-profits like these. But I definitely felt like I took a time machine back to the 1970's when shag carpets were big and olive green upholstery was the "in" color of the season. I had to force myself with all self restraint to not lose myself in a laughing fit when they turned on the "welcome" DVD and a lady, Farrah Fawcett haircut and all, started speaking in the softest of tones with cheesy public domain elevator music playing in the background. After she spoke about how we all deal with these difficult times differently and that she helped start this community to support those with cancer, the director proceeded to interview others from the 1970's who either looked like they were 70 years old or were on their death beds. Now, come on! Do you really think we want to see people who look like hell and listen to people who are talking to us like we're babies? Time to update this welcome video! Working in the Entertainment Industry, perhaps there's a filmmaker or even upcoming film student reading this who can take a whack at it! I can help write the script, and it probably would start like this... "OK, you have cancer. Scream it out loud, tell it you hate it, imagine yourself killing those ugly little cells, cry if you need to, take the time to grieve, and now get into action and start learning everything you can about what you've been diagnosed with so you can kick this in the ass!" Then I'd find people, young and old (from our current decade), to interview and tell stories about how this community has helped them, survivors included!
All said, we'll see how the actual "support group" session goes. I'm not giving up, I'll try it and see if it's for me. I'm looking forward to meeting others who have breast cancer, and I'm curious to hear their stories. If it's not for me, then I'll keep looking for other ways!
Speaking of therapy, I have my second physical therapy appointment today. This is one form of therapy I absolutely love. I can't tell you how wonderful it's been to feel a little more mobile and not be scared to lift my arm too high or to reach over to my bedside table to grab a glass of water without needing the help of Jon. I've been doing my daily exercises with full enthusiasm, and I feel like I'm getting more flexible each day. I also have to say I've missed that "good pain" you get when you've exerted your muscles to their maximum. Although when the therapist stretches me, it definitely hurts, I welcome that hurt as I've missed it. Laying in bed all day after being a regular spin addict has not been an easy thing for me to do. I also think, given my personality, physical therapy helps me get one more step closer to complete control of myself. It hasn't been easy for me to rely on others (although I have done so, and have very much welcomed it and am thankful for it!). I feel like it's helping me take small steps towards controlling my body and my ability to be completely self sufficient again.
Therapy aside, the upcoming week is a big one. I'm excited to start my wig shopping tomorrow as I will be tentatively starting Chemotherapy on Thursday. I am scheduled to see my Plastic Surgeon on Tuesday where she can confirm whether I am fully healed so I can start on Thursday. If not, we'll have to push it out one week. Chemotherapy starts a whole new phase in my treatment. I walked out of my Chemo Lesson this week completely overwhelmed with new information, prescriptions, side effects and a very long "to-do" list of things I need to get done before or during. I have no idea how I'll feel, but between the steroids they pump me up with before/after, the drugs they'll drip into my IV to kill "fast growing cells", and the shot I take the next day to avoid white blood cell drop, I know my body is about to go into the next stage of war against cancer. I'm ready for it, as I always promised, I'll kick this cancers ass and I'm moving on to phase 2 of doing just that!
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Locks of love
It's been 2 months and 1 week from diagnosis... wow. I'm shocked how much my life has changed since December 3rd - how much I've learned about myself, about my husband, about my family and my friends. How much I took for granted the little things - from being physically self sufficient to having a strong support system of family and friends. I knew I'd come out of this a different person, but I don't think I realized how soon I'd start to feel these changes. And I also know deep in my heart that I will never completely "come out of this". As much as it helps to cope and tackle something like this with a very practical step-by-step approach, I know this will be with me forever. Beyond the drugs and physical changes that will follow me for the rest of my life, I will have lived through and survived this. I will have grieved, cried, laughed and smiled harder and more openly than I ever could have before cancer. I'm partially surprised when I hear colleagues tell me they love reading the blog as they are able to see a different side of me that they've never seen before. On the contrary my friends tell me how wonderful it is to read my posts and that they can hear and imagine me saying every word I write. How crazy it is that I've created 2 very different worlds for myself... perhaps being a Gemini truly has some significance. And maybe, just maybe, there is something profound I should be conceiving from this.
Enough soul searching, here's where I am today. I've been taking full advantage of the "mini field trips" my Plastic Surgeon prescribed me with. These field trips have included several electronic shopping sprees, being pent up in bed all day hasn't allowed me to indulge in my rather compulsive shopping habits. But I now have enough energy to browse the online flash sales and take the few small steps to drag myself out of bed, grab my wallet, and pick up Mr. Amex whom has been feeling rather neglected for the last few months (sans the medical bills).
I had my first "girls night in" organized by my friends and themed as a Pajama Party where my girlfriends brought over some delicious grub, decked out in their most comfy PJ's, and cozied up on the couch with me to watch "For A Good Time Call..." and "Pitch Perfect", both great girls night in movies (yes, I will forever be a Marketer as I admit I worked on one of these movies, and the other is from my parent company Universal). 9 bottles of wine later (don't worry, I only indulged in 1-2 glasses which my Docs told me was OK) and dosed up on much needed girl talk including debates on which celebs are pretty or ugly, whether the guy in "Pitch Perfect" is a hottie or a complete joke (I vote the latter), quick catch-ups on missed weddings and weekend boozefests including karaoke nights, and some re-evaluation on the best cup size for me... I was "happy as a clam at high tide" but exhausted from enduring the most activity my body had consumed in a month. I slept like a baby that night, as did hubby who was also able to enjoy a much needed "boys night out"!
Enough soul searching, here's where I am today. I've been taking full advantage of the "mini field trips" my Plastic Surgeon prescribed me with. These field trips have included several electronic shopping sprees, being pent up in bed all day hasn't allowed me to indulge in my rather compulsive shopping habits. But I now have enough energy to browse the online flash sales and take the few small steps to drag myself out of bed, grab my wallet, and pick up Mr. Amex whom has been feeling rather neglected for the last few months (sans the medical bills).
I had my first "girls night in" organized by my friends and themed as a Pajama Party where my girlfriends brought over some delicious grub, decked out in their most comfy PJ's, and cozied up on the couch with me to watch "For A Good Time Call..." and "Pitch Perfect", both great girls night in movies (yes, I will forever be a Marketer as I admit I worked on one of these movies, and the other is from my parent company Universal). 9 bottles of wine later (don't worry, I only indulged in 1-2 glasses which my Docs told me was OK) and dosed up on much needed girl talk including debates on which celebs are pretty or ugly, whether the guy in "Pitch Perfect" is a hottie or a complete joke (I vote the latter), quick catch-ups on missed weddings and weekend boozefests including karaoke nights, and some re-evaluation on the best cup size for me... I was "happy as a clam at high tide" but exhausted from enduring the most activity my body had consumed in a month. I slept like a baby that night, as did hubby who was also able to enjoy a much needed "boys night out"!
The next day I woke up ready to conquer my first step in chemo preperation. I scheduled an afternoon haircut appointment, and was excited to don a fresh shorter cut which will also ease the emotions I'll be feeling when I start losing my hair 2-3 weeks after my first chemo session. In addition, I took a first big step and drove to my appointment. Jon has been my personal chaueffeur for the last month and it felt wonderful to get behind the wheel myself. Although I probably drove like a Grandma, and avoided sharp turns or U-turns, Jon patiently sat shot gun and applauded my good driving skills. I won't be making any long drives or getting on the freeway anytime soon, but it's good to know I have the ability to take short trips if I need to without Jon.
Prepped with photos of gorgeous models with short dos, my stylist promised she'd try to do everything she could to transform me into a super star with her scissors and expert hands! In addition I saved my hair and am donating it to "Locks of Love" where they create hair prosthetics for disadvantaged children. I've posted some pics below... I'm pleased with the results!
Next up? This coming week I have many more doc appointments. I start physical therapy on Monday so the therapists can help me start building back the strength and mobility of my shoulders and arms. I have an appointment to spend a couple hours with a Chemotherapy Nurse who will be talking me through everything I should expect and will provide me with a prescription to start shopping for wigs. I will be dragging my girlfriends out with me for some wig shopping so I can start building a collection of fun hair pieces and wigs of all colors and styles, along with hats, scarves and all the fun accessories I can wear with them. I have a follow-up with my Plastic Surgeon to check how my wounds are healing, possibly get more stitches (or some removed), hopefully solidify a chemo date and maybe get the first injection of saline into my tissue expanders. Right now we're hoping to start Chemo on February 21st, but my Doctors will want to make sure my wounds are in good shape before we finalize that schedule.
So that's it for now! I miss seeing new Instagram photos... please post if you can! I have learned you need a public profile in order for your photo to upload to the feed. If you don't want to, or don't know how, just email me your photo and I can upload it on my account. I really do love seeing the photos!
Oh, and one more thing. Thank you to everyone who has sent me flowers, gifts, food, and just pure love. I have a full spreadsheet of thank you's I need to send out, but I haven't had the energy to write them, and writing is actually a lot more difficult than typing. But know I have received and am in huge thanks for everything, and I promise to send you a personal note of thanks when I am feeling better.
XOXO
Monday, February 4, 2013
Getting back on track
It's been four days after my second surgery and I'm feeling much better than I initially thought I would be. When I woke up after Thursday's surgery I was in a lot of pain. That entire night I would wake Jon up every hour begging for more meds. My mind was racing with fears of starting back at square 1, after an entire 3 weeks of doing nothing but resting! Thankfully I am happy to report that I am in a much better place now. I feel like I've picked back up to where I was before the second surgery. I can floss and brush my own teeth! With some minor pain, I can sit myself up from a laying position. I can wash my own face and sit on the floor and pet my baby dogs. I'm still not able to raise my arms, and after around 5 minutes of standing I'm ready to collapse onto my bed, but I will tell you that all of this is an incredible amount of progress for me, and I'm slowly but surely getting more self sufficient.
My Plastic Surgeon has assured me that the surgery went great. She took time out of her Sunday to meet with me yesterday and see how my wounds were healing. My skin seems to be adapting nicely to it's new home from below my breasts to becoming my actual breasts. Both nipples are pretty much gone, but that just means I get to go nipple shopping in addition to boob shopping! I go back on Wednesday to potentially get some stitches removed, and for another check-up to see how I'm progressing. My Plastic Surgeon thinks I'll be ready for physical therapy by the end of the week to help relax my muscles and begin the process of raising my arms. She also thinks by the end of the week I can start little "mini field trips". Hallelujah! The first appointment I will be making is a haircut. It's time to start thinking about shorter hair to ease the loss when Chemotherapy begins.
Speaking of Chemo and the next phase of treatment... my Oncotype DX report came back and it confirmed everything the pathology report was telling us. Apparently there's a scoring system of 1-50. 1-18 is slow growing cancer, 19-30 is intermediate, 31-50 is aggressive. I'm 31, right on the bottom of aggressive, which was to be expected based on my Ki-67 scores, the fact that I'm young, that my cancer was invasive, and that it hit my blood stream. This means I'm definitely in for Chemotherapy. I have an appointment with my Oncologist tomorrow to go into more detail on what to expect, but I do know I will likely undergo 4 treatments every 3 weeks, and it's done via IV for around 2.5 hours. My Plastic Surgeon and Oncologist will determine when I'm ready to start, but it sounds like 3 weeks from my last surgery is the current plan as long as I'm healing as expected.
So that's the latest. I believe I'm back on the path, just had to deal with a minor detour. And hey, the detour did bestow me with a mini "reverse tummy tuck" as my Plastic Surgeon explained to me, a little silver lining that I can be thankful for!
Last, I want to thank everyone for uploading their photos wearing the IWBF t-shirts to Instagram. I've been obsessively refreshing for new photos, and finding a new one is honestly one of the best highlights of my day. I LOVE the fact that people are doing it, and everyone looks so beautiful, proud and happy. Thank you so very much for supporting me. It means the world to me. Imagine me looking at the photo slideshow all day, smiling at how loved and blessed I feel for having such a strong support of friends and family by my side.
My Plastic Surgeon has assured me that the surgery went great. She took time out of her Sunday to meet with me yesterday and see how my wounds were healing. My skin seems to be adapting nicely to it's new home from below my breasts to becoming my actual breasts. Both nipples are pretty much gone, but that just means I get to go nipple shopping in addition to boob shopping! I go back on Wednesday to potentially get some stitches removed, and for another check-up to see how I'm progressing. My Plastic Surgeon thinks I'll be ready for physical therapy by the end of the week to help relax my muscles and begin the process of raising my arms. She also thinks by the end of the week I can start little "mini field trips". Hallelujah! The first appointment I will be making is a haircut. It's time to start thinking about shorter hair to ease the loss when Chemotherapy begins.
Speaking of Chemo and the next phase of treatment... my Oncotype DX report came back and it confirmed everything the pathology report was telling us. Apparently there's a scoring system of 1-50. 1-18 is slow growing cancer, 19-30 is intermediate, 31-50 is aggressive. I'm 31, right on the bottom of aggressive, which was to be expected based on my Ki-67 scores, the fact that I'm young, that my cancer was invasive, and that it hit my blood stream. This means I'm definitely in for Chemotherapy. I have an appointment with my Oncologist tomorrow to go into more detail on what to expect, but I do know I will likely undergo 4 treatments every 3 weeks, and it's done via IV for around 2.5 hours. My Plastic Surgeon and Oncologist will determine when I'm ready to start, but it sounds like 3 weeks from my last surgery is the current plan as long as I'm healing as expected.
So that's the latest. I believe I'm back on the path, just had to deal with a minor detour. And hey, the detour did bestow me with a mini "reverse tummy tuck" as my Plastic Surgeon explained to me, a little silver lining that I can be thankful for!
Last, I want to thank everyone for uploading their photos wearing the IWBF t-shirts to Instagram. I've been obsessively refreshing for new photos, and finding a new one is honestly one of the best highlights of my day. I LOVE the fact that people are doing it, and everyone looks so beautiful, proud and happy. Thank you so very much for supporting me. It means the world to me. Imagine me looking at the photo slideshow all day, smiling at how loved and blessed I feel for having such a strong support of friends and family by my side.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
All went well
Hello, I wanted to let everyone know that the surgery this morning went as planned per Dr Grunwald. We are in recovery right now and should be going home soon. We will go for a post surgery checkup early next week and hopefully will be on to the next step soon after.
Here I go again
I'm sitting at Saint John's waiting for registration to open up so I can begin all the preparations for my second surgery. One Norco, one Valium and one Emend in, I'm ready to get back on the path to recovery. Just a minor bump, but one that's not going to get me down or stand in my way. Depending on my state, myself or Jon will update you. Until then, I'll be dreaming of puppies (specifically mine!), white sand beaches, Becker's oatmeal cookies, shopping, exercising, my husband, my friends, my family, getting new boobies, a cancer free vacation, trashy reality tv, and all the wonderful things in life that make me smile each and every day.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Every road has its bumps
No matter how meticulous and detailed a plan can be, it seems real life always has it's way of throwing a curve ball. As last reported, I've been diligently following all medical directions. Staying in bed 24 hours a day, limiting activity to basically nothing (I maxed out at around 15 trips up and down the stairs in the last 2 weeks - not an easy thing for someone like me who is rather active and likes to take note of what is happening downstairs!), taking all medications when prescribed, practicing 10 deep breaths through this crazy inhaler several times a day to increase my lung capacity, sleeping face-up wedged between 2 pillows to ensure I don't move an inch. Thanks to my nurses (hubby, sis and mom), my schedule has been consistent and disciplined, all ensuring a smooth road to recovery. Then just when I think I'm progressing, this little thing called real life, wedges it's way into my road, creating unexpected bumps, turns, and forks (just like Robert Frost promised) that I have no choice but to face head on.
I have no doubt this will not be the first of these bumps, but yesterday I got the news that I will have to undergo a second surgery this week. I've been crossing my fingers not to have to do this, but in the end I know it could be a lot worse, and I will go into this with optimism and strength knowing that this will get me to the next phase. The news is that the blood flow is just not making it's way into the skin and nipples as I need it to. Although my Surgeon was able to perform a nipple sparing double mastectomy because there was no sign of cancer cells in the nipple area, unfortunately since I have such short pectoral muscles, the amount of stitching wasn't enough to save the left nipple. Additionally the skin below both nipples isn't getting the much needed blood flow required to keep it alive. The good news is with the r&r I allowed myself, and through the dedicated attention of my nurses, I got to a place where I have enough alive skin to keep the surgery minimal. I won't need to remove muscle from my back to use inside the breast. Instead, the surgery is going to basically take skin from right below my breasts and on the sides of my breasts and stretch it over both breasts in order to cover the areas where the skin is not surviving. My Plastic Surgeon will also clean out all the dead skin and remove anything that's not surviving. The surgery is expected to last around 2 hours, and is outpatient so I will have the wonderful comfort of crawling into my cozy bed after it's done. I'm still waiting on whether it will happen on Thursday or Friday, but they want to get it scheduled soon in order to allow enough healing time post-surgery so I can begin Chemotherapy in the 4-6 week post-first-op time period that's recommended (this, all assuming I need Chemotherapy, which I was scheduled to find out on Friday, but may now need to be postponed due to my impending surgery).
The news yesterday was delivered after a pretty crazy visit to the Plastic Surgeon. I'm sure Jon can provide a much more detailed description of what was performed in front of his very eyes, but in order for the Plastic Surgeon to see how much of my nipple was alive, she basically executed a careful circumcision of my nipple. I only know what I could hear, and my blood pressure sky rocketed when she told Jon he may not want to look at what she was about to do. I immediately started berating myself for not taking a Valium prior to the visit! Similar to my biopsy story, the worst part of these past couple months has all taken place in my head. It's not the actual events, the physical pain, the shots, the IV's, the constant pricking of blood draws, etc... it's been my imagination! When I saw her holding tweezers and a small pair of surgical scissors, I prayed she was simply cutting gauze and tape off of me. But I knew in my heart the snipping sound was not gauze. So I took deep breaths and tried to calm my mind, sending it to Hawaii... where I was swinging in a hammock next to a white sand beach with waves slowly crashing onto the shoreline. Jon has since told me the details, and believe me, I'm not looking forward to taking the bandages off to see the results.
After the visit, you will be happy to hear I did reward myself with a good old fashioned McDonald's cheeseburger and french fries. After my Plastic Surgeon was pulling around on my skin trying to see if I had enough of it to cover the dead skin she'd be removing, I started regretting not eating more! If you know me and my religious dedication to spinning and rather vain concerns about getting fat during Chemotherapy, I'm sure you'll laugh at the fact that I am now trying to find a way to fatten myself up in the next couple days so I have plenty of skin for her to use.
So that's the latest. Although perhaps not the "textbook" next step I was hoping for, real life just doesn't seem to work that way.
I close this post with a link to a fun page that my friends have created that is curating all the Instagram shots my supporters are taking of themselves wearing the IWBF tees. I'm trying to find a way to fix this on the right side of the blog so there's a continuous loop of pics, but as I'm not a programmer, you'll have to wait until I get some help from my wonderful technical friends. If you'd like to add a photo of yourself (which I'd personally LOVE!), simply add #iwillbefierce to your Instagram upload and it should make it's way onto the page. Come on sexy ladies and gentlemen, show us how fierce you are!
Check Out The IWBF Instagram Pictures!
Love to you...
I have no doubt this will not be the first of these bumps, but yesterday I got the news that I will have to undergo a second surgery this week. I've been crossing my fingers not to have to do this, but in the end I know it could be a lot worse, and I will go into this with optimism and strength knowing that this will get me to the next phase. The news is that the blood flow is just not making it's way into the skin and nipples as I need it to. Although my Surgeon was able to perform a nipple sparing double mastectomy because there was no sign of cancer cells in the nipple area, unfortunately since I have such short pectoral muscles, the amount of stitching wasn't enough to save the left nipple. Additionally the skin below both nipples isn't getting the much needed blood flow required to keep it alive. The good news is with the r&r I allowed myself, and through the dedicated attention of my nurses, I got to a place where I have enough alive skin to keep the surgery minimal. I won't need to remove muscle from my back to use inside the breast. Instead, the surgery is going to basically take skin from right below my breasts and on the sides of my breasts and stretch it over both breasts in order to cover the areas where the skin is not surviving. My Plastic Surgeon will also clean out all the dead skin and remove anything that's not surviving. The surgery is expected to last around 2 hours, and is outpatient so I will have the wonderful comfort of crawling into my cozy bed after it's done. I'm still waiting on whether it will happen on Thursday or Friday, but they want to get it scheduled soon in order to allow enough healing time post-surgery so I can begin Chemotherapy in the 4-6 week post-first-op time period that's recommended (this, all assuming I need Chemotherapy, which I was scheduled to find out on Friday, but may now need to be postponed due to my impending surgery).
The news yesterday was delivered after a pretty crazy visit to the Plastic Surgeon. I'm sure Jon can provide a much more detailed description of what was performed in front of his very eyes, but in order for the Plastic Surgeon to see how much of my nipple was alive, she basically executed a careful circumcision of my nipple. I only know what I could hear, and my blood pressure sky rocketed when she told Jon he may not want to look at what she was about to do. I immediately started berating myself for not taking a Valium prior to the visit! Similar to my biopsy story, the worst part of these past couple months has all taken place in my head. It's not the actual events, the physical pain, the shots, the IV's, the constant pricking of blood draws, etc... it's been my imagination! When I saw her holding tweezers and a small pair of surgical scissors, I prayed she was simply cutting gauze and tape off of me. But I knew in my heart the snipping sound was not gauze. So I took deep breaths and tried to calm my mind, sending it to Hawaii... where I was swinging in a hammock next to a white sand beach with waves slowly crashing onto the shoreline. Jon has since told me the details, and believe me, I'm not looking forward to taking the bandages off to see the results.
After the visit, you will be happy to hear I did reward myself with a good old fashioned McDonald's cheeseburger and french fries. After my Plastic Surgeon was pulling around on my skin trying to see if I had enough of it to cover the dead skin she'd be removing, I started regretting not eating more! If you know me and my religious dedication to spinning and rather vain concerns about getting fat during Chemotherapy, I'm sure you'll laugh at the fact that I am now trying to find a way to fatten myself up in the next couple days so I have plenty of skin for her to use.
So that's the latest. Although perhaps not the "textbook" next step I was hoping for, real life just doesn't seem to work that way.
I close this post with a link to a fun page that my friends have created that is curating all the Instagram shots my supporters are taking of themselves wearing the IWBF tees. I'm trying to find a way to fix this on the right side of the blog so there's a continuous loop of pics, but as I'm not a programmer, you'll have to wait until I get some help from my wonderful technical friends. If you'd like to add a photo of yourself (which I'd personally LOVE!), simply add #iwillbefierce to your Instagram upload and it should make it's way onto the page. Come on sexy ladies and gentlemen, show us how fierce you are!
Check Out The IWBF Instagram Pictures!
Love to you...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)