You see, my BRCA results finally came back in, and they're NEGATIVE! That's great news, it means I don't have the mutated gene that basically quadruples my likelihood of getting breast or ovarian cancer in my lifetime. It also means that I have more control of my decisions. I get to choose whether a mastectomy or a lumpectomy is the right choice for me, as long as I factor in all the medical information my Doctors' have been educating me with. When I found out yesterday, my first reaction was to mute my emotions. Perhaps part of my "glass half empty" perspective in life, I've never been very trusting in news that may slap me back in the face later on. Only when I told Jon the news and he looked so happy and excited and said to me, "Niki, celebrate the little victories! This is great news. Be happy!" that I took a deep breath and let myself smile. Perhaps another reason why I married this man, he helps put things in perspective for me.
So, I wanted to share the great news with all of you. One baby step, one baby victory. May there be many many more in this journey.
The next sound piece of advice that presented itself to me this week was from a Plastic Surgeon whom I met with to explain the cosmetic options available to me during and after my surgery. As I had mentioned in my last post, being able to look in the mirror completely confident in myself is important to me. I don't want to look in the mirror for the rest of my life and see someone who had breast cancer. Although this may be a life changing event in my life, I don't want it to define me. There's so much more to me - all that I have accomplished in my life and my career - those are the things that make me who I am, just as much as this experience. I want to be confident in that person looking back at me, proud of what I've become. When presented with the lumpectomy, unilateral mastectomy or bilateral mastectomy decision, it's one that has taken a significant amount of my thoughts over the last week. The Plastic Surgeon gave me this great advice. She said "Make a decision and try it on for a few days. Live and act like this is what you're going to do, and if it fits, than it's the right decision for you." I'm trying that (although I have to admit I still waiver just to test out my thinking), and I believe I'm getting closer. The decision I'm "trying on" right now is a mastectomy. The unilateral or bilateral pros/cons really just came into clarity yesterday - so I'm holding out on that decision until next week.
To wrap up this post, I have to humbly admit to some minor breakdowns this week. It's been a hard one, decisions need to be made and I feel like I've been cramming for a final exam in Breast Cancer 101. I've been to so many Doctors appointments that Jon and I no longer remember what floor we parked on because they're all beginning to blend together. Jon's also come up with an idea he's convinced he could become a millionaire from (he'll probably get mad at me for sharing this with the rest of you - so DON'T steal it!), where a patient would only have to fill out their Medical History form once and could then go to subsequent Doctor's and just scan it. That way their patients wouldn't suffer writers cramp from the 10 page thesis they have to fill out every single time they go to a new Doctor. I personally think it's a brilliant idea, I'm tired of those damn forms.
Anyways, Thursday was especially hard for me, I felt deflated and tired. I just wanted to curl into a ball and sleep it all away. I'll share a bit of my breakdown because I think it will make all of you laugh. It actually reminds me of a scene in "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel" which we recently saw with my In-Laws. I was working from home when I got a call from a telemarketer. She was calling to ask for money for children with cancer. As with most telemarketers, she talked for a good 5 minutes without catching a breath so I wouldn't have a chance to say "no thank you" and hang up. She finally asked me if I'd give some money. I took a deep breath and told her that as much as I'd like to right now, and I feel bad for these children, that I was just diagnosed with cancer myself and was dealing with my own financial issues which I need to attend to (ok, perhaps more information than I needed to share with a random stranger, but what can I say - I was in a fragile place that day). She immediately launched into her auto-pilot response of "I would really like to ask you to reconsider. If you could just put yourself in their position for a moment...". And that's when I snapped. I couldn't believe this woman had the gall to tell me to put myself in their position. That she was on such auto-pilot that she didn't even hear me. I won't tell you what I said to her, but I will tell you it wasn't pleasant. I honestly think I scared this poor woman from ever making another cold call again. For that I am sorry, but I also know you all are probably laughing because you can imagine me screaming profanities at this poor woman who had no idea what she was getting into when she dialed my number that day! And I do have to thank her for allowing me to vent, I'm sure it saved other potential victims that day.
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