My life turned upside down

Hello Friends, so here begins my blog... 

I've been thinking about starting one of these for the past 48 hours. Jon first brought up the idea to me and it was reinforced when I talked to an old sorority sister of mine who recently battled breast cancer and was kind enough to hop on the phone with me to share her personal experiences and hear about my first week battling this horrific diagnosis I'm still trying to comprehend. She told me that she did it because it was so overwhelming to keep her friends and family updated on what was going on. I'm sure it will have the same purpose for me as the weeks continue, but I'm also doing this because I think it will help me cope, it's therapeutic for me to share my feelings and to keep track of everything I'm going to experience over the next year.

I was diagnosed less than a week ago, Monday December 3rd at around 9:30 am to be exact. As I'm sure every woman under the same circumstance expects, I thought I was fine, that I would walk out of my appointment, kiss Jon goodbye and make my way onto the 405 to begin my regular routine of a busy work week. How completely different it all turned out. You see, I had listened to the nurse when she told me that 80% of biopsies turn out fine. I always assumed I would be in that 80%. Perhaps I was slightly concerned, but why worry and think "what if?" if you really can't do anything about it?

To rewind a bit... on November 14th I went in for my yearly well woman exam. Just standard procedure to try to maintain my health. My OBGYN actually found the lump, and ordered an ultrasound and mammogram "just to be safe". Since I have a history of breast cancer in my family (mom & paternal aunt), I knew it was smart to get these things checked. I was actually extremely nervous about the mammogram. I had never had one, and had heard so many stories about how painful it is. It actually wasn't too bad. Certainly not pleasant or comfortable, but nothing to write home about. The ultrasound was next, and that was when I learned I would need to come back for a biopsy. The nurse told me not to worry, that 80% of biopsies turn out to be nothing. I believed her, although I was certainly a bit nervous about having to get a needle inserted into my breast. The biopsy was scheduled for the Thursday after Thanksgiving. My in-laws were in town for Thanksgiving, and luckily the holiday timing kept me busy focusing on the typical things like Thanksgiving menus, black Friday shopping and Christmas lists!

The biopsy itself was also not too bad. They numbed me fairly well, although the sound of them taking the sample was terrifying. I would describe the sound as the shooting of a staple gun, and each time the Doctor would take a sample I would feel the pressure of her pushing the needle and getting ready to pull the trigger. After what I recall as 4 shots of the staple gun (and a conversation between the Nurse and Doctor about how they didn't want to take the sample on the lower part of the lump because I wasn't numbed enough - which basically had me screaming inside from fright) it was over, only to be followed up with another mammogram on the biopsied breast (so now I can officially say I've had TWO mammograms in a matter of weeks). The good news was that I got to take the day off as "ordered by the doctor" and laid on the couch watching the stack of movies that was slowly building up on our shelf.

That brings me back to Monday December 3rd, the day I learned I have breast cancer and less than one week ago.  Damn, what a week it's been.  That first day was hard, although rather foggy and unfocused.  When the Oncologist first told me, then asked me if I had questions, my only question was "Are you sure you're talking about me?".  It was during his non-humorous response of turning my chart around and pointing at my name and saying, "Yes. You are Nicole Butte, right?  6-3-75?" that I remember I started to get lightheaded and my stomach dropped to my feet.  That was also about the moment that this slow haze swept over me.  I knew what I was hearing, I was present, yet I wasn't.  I remember looking over at Jon at one point while the Nurse was talking to us about what I was to expect and thinking he looked rather pale and his eyes seemed rather deep set.  I don't know what he was thinking or feeling, but I know he was sitting right next to me hearing and trying to comprehend the same words that I was listening to.  I also know some how I had enough sense in me to ask some questions, to think everything was going to be fine, that this was just a little diagnosis that I'd get through.  I have to admit, I still partly feel that way, I don't think I've fully processed that I have breast cancer.

This is already becoming a thesis, so I'll try to speed through the rest...

I've been diagnosed with 2 types of breast cancer.  Invasive Ductal Carcinoma Grade 3 and Ductal Carcinoma In-Situ Intermediate.  I am ER and PR positive and HER2 negative.  I have a Ki-67 score of 65%.  My MRI scans which just came back on Friday are thankfully clear according to the Nurse who called me, and I am still waiting on the results from my BRACAnalysis.

I've buried my head in research this past week - from reading books and literature on breast cancer, to meeting with a Surgeon, a Reproductive Doctor, a Cancer Geneticist and an Oncologist.  To add an extra layer of confusion to the whole situation, apparently chemotherapy (if I have to get it, which is likely at this point) will make my chances of getting naturally pregnant very slim (besides the fact that I'm not exactly in my prime child bearing years!).  So our some-what passive attitude about having children all of a sudden got a fire lit from behind it.

So, here's where I am today - exactly 1 week after learning I have breast cancer.

- I have a better understanding of the choices I have to make, some immediate, some to be determined after more tests are taken and results are provided.
- I know I will have a challenging year ahead of me, but that I will be OK when it's all done.
- I know that Breast Cancer Awareness and Prevention has just recruited a life-long advocate in me, and that when I get through this I want to help others get through this.
- I know I have an amazing network of friends and family who will support me through this next chapter in my life.  And that my husband is, and will continue to be, my rock who has already shown me that he will be by my side through every step of this journey.

I will be fierce - I'll kick this cancers ass!  I promise.